Just stuff that has happened lately

I went to see my asthma consultant today, and we discussed that my asthma seems to be chronically severe but that it also has a brittle asthma pattern which we have discussed a few times in the past, he said that we should now really consider a treatment that is meant to be helpful for those who have brittle asthma this has been discussed in the past but only as vague possibility, it is subcutaneous Terbutaline (Bricanyl) infusion, I really really don’t know what to think, if I am really honest about it I feel a bit gutted that it has come to subcut and I honestly cannot see myself putting needles in myself because I am a terrible needle phobic. I understand that it could make my asthma so much better, but right now the idea is just too much for me. I feel a bit worried that if I try subcut, and it doesn’t work it feels I have few options left open to me to try and control my asthma better.

Another treatment we discussed today was Xolair ,my hospital have been keen on me starting this treatment for some time but there have been various issues like this year I haven’t been stable long enough to begin the 12 week trial and secondly they still aren’t certain whether i can work for me and if it is safe for me because I have a very high IgE so my consultant said they need to find out all the possible contraindications before they decide finally whether I can try it or not. I am quite atopic I also have eczema, hayfever and allergies to various things so theoretically Xolair should work for me. I’d much rather try Xolair first than have to consider subcut.

My current consultant is retiring soon so I will be seeing a new consultant, I am quite nervous and scared about this because I am not used to change and I find it hard getting used to new people.

Last Saturday (25/07) I went to another asthma youth forum meeting in London, I found it a better experience this time because a) my train wasn’t hideously delayed and b) I knew where I was actually going!

I haven’t really got any plans for the next week or so, my friends and I said we’d arrange to go Ice Skating just because its not something we usually do hehe I’m looking forward to that even though I know I will spend most of my time falling down on the ice! :p

I’ve been thinking alot about my future lately, especially with most of my friends being at university already and others who have applied or are planning to apply very soon, it just feels like an uphill struggle, I need to finish my A Levels, I need to get high grades in them and I need to demonstrate that I can actually do Medicine. I’ve just been thinking how will I be able to do this, I’m relying on my determination to be a doctor to see me through and that’s all I can do I guess.

simi x

Its been a while!

OK! I so should have blogged ages ago, I kept meaning to. I don’t really know what my blog is going to be about..

So in the 5 months I haven’t blogged, not alot has changed:

  • My asthma is still as annoying as it ever was, since January this year I’ve had 8 hospital admissions.
  • The treatment the hospital wanted to start me on is not likely to be suitable for me, cos my IgE level is very high and it needed to be between 30-700 if I recall correctly and mine was in the thousands. 😦
  • I got Chickenpox again (2nd time in my life) in May and it was rather nasty. 😦 Or at least I don’t remember it being so nasty when I had it the first time round.
  • Because of said Chickenpox I missed my exams in May/June which means I’m worried I won’t get my grade for my maths resit so that I can go back to my A Levels in September. :-s
  • I joined Twitter- its a bit rubbish :-p
  • I joined the Youth Forum for Asthma UK in April, I go to the meetings with some of the people who I know from AUK. πŸ™‚

I’ve kinda realised lately I get stressed and down about things too much lately, I guess the stuff I worry about is okay to worry about but maybe I need to get a fresh perspective on it all and maybe at times things aren’t really as bad as I think they are. I went through a phase during June where I became quite down possibly depressive, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I was under alot of stress; asthma wise, family, and some other stuff. Things just feel hopeless sometimes and I wonder why I bother. I kinda get over it after a little while, but I think these sorts of doubts will surface again as they have before.

I don’t think I know myself as well as I think I do, people say either I’m guarded with them or I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t know which I am. I sometimes feel like I’m being a fake and I’m not being who I really am, but then I’m asking myself am I anything different and I guess I’m not. I feel like a bad person alot and I feel like I’m always being punished for stuff but I don’t think I’ve actually done anything wrong so I don’t know why I feel like that. I just feel like God or whoever is up there has something against me and hardly anything goes right.

I’m reading this back and I didn’t expect to write some of this stuff.