Procrastinating!!

Sooo I’m doing my Human Biology homework and it is so dull and there is so much to write! I’m shattered but its in for tomorrow so I have to keep going! Argh!

I’m procrastinating online oops while also doing my work, I’ve nearly finished it now though. I haven’t been up to much since I last updated. When did I last update? *looks* oh Wednesday, not much has happened.

As usual I am not sleeping til 2-3am and it leaves me shattered for college as I only get about 3-4 hours of sleep not including night time awakenings because of my asthma. Unfortunately I keep having microsleeps during lessons in particular during Sociology lessons.

I have quite a productive cough at the moment but I don’t think its a chest infection its just irritating as its making me wheezy and short of breath, but nebs are helping so its all good. πŸ™‚
I have an appointment with my consultant on Thursday (01/10/09) I’m really really not looking forward to it again, I always feel nervous before seeing my consultant because I worry about he will say. I especially don’t like going when I’m particularly symptomatic like I am at the moment as I’m not sure what he will say. And I hate doing Spirometry as it is exhausting and I feel a bit rough asthma-wise afterwards.

I have realised lately that I have been quite naive about some people in my life, I still regard them as friends but some of them have not been truthful with me. Or else I feel like I am used and taken advantage of because they think I’m an easy target. This is a bit upsetting as I feel I try hard to maintain my friendships, but it often feels with some people however much you try they will never realise what their actions etc are doing to you. I sometimes wonder why I bother with some of these friends as they will never know how much they mean to me because they don’t see it. Maybe its time to just focus on what I need to do in other areas of my life instead of trying to be there for these people who neither appreciate it or stab me in the back. I say this but I’m not brave/mean/harsh enough to cut these people out, when they want someone to talk to, someone to listen, I’ll still be there to do exactly that..

My Week

So I’ve been at college for a week and a bit into my A Levels. So far it is actually going OK (I’m actually being positive; what a rarity :p) , Sociology has started off fine, Human Biology not particularly scientific so far hmmm and Chemistry is going OK. Everyone seems nice, haven’t really come across anyone unpleasant. I have been struggling with getting enough sleep though, on average I’m getting 4-5 hours of sleep per night and this makes me a bit sleepy, sometimes enough for me to momentarily doze off during lessons, not good! I have had a fair amount of homework so far for 2 out of 3 of my subjects, none at all for Sociology so far which is a bit odd. I haven’t started Key Skills yet, and I’d rather not do it but it appears to be compulsory so I’m not happy about that.

I went to London on Saturday (19/09) for another Asthma UK Youth Forum meeting, I enjoyed it and it is kind of a nice feeling knowing that what you express at them could potentially lead to help make a difference. And I saw my friends too so I had a good day even if I was really tired at the end of it! πŸ™‚

Umm so this appears to be a shorter than usual boring post, I don’t have many plans for the week; mainly just college but I may go to see a friend who is unwell in hospital but lives in a different city on the weekend if I am able to.

take care x

Invisible Illness Week


I’m being a copycat, I have come across Invisible Illness Week blog entries this week and decided to do my own too. I’ve had asthma since I was about 3 years old, for 17 years I have lived with the condition which has so many misconceptions, some of which could cost someone with asthma their life in an extreme circumstance.

For example, asthma attacks are not panic attacks, they are not interchangeable terms, yes some people with asthma do have panic attacks, but they are not the same thing, giving someone who is having an asthma attack a brown paper bag will not make them better infact it could make them a lot worse; this is because when a severe asthma attack takes place

the carbon dioxide levels rise so by giving someone who is having an asthma attack a paper bag this could make them worse as they are breathing in more Carbon Dioxide whereas when a person is having a panic attack their carbon dioxide levels decrease so a paper bag helps them. Sorry for that little rant there, when I was enrolling for college a few weeks back the student support services staff seemed to think that asthma and panic attacks are the same thing and told me to use my nebuliser whenever I feel ‘panicky’. This was a bit annoying, as I don’t have panic attacks and a nebuliser isn’t for panic attacks.

Having an invisible condition can be hard sometimes especially when people don’t understand the reason why it might take you longer to do some things, one of the biggest being the stopping/starting of my A Levels and beginning university after everyone else my age. A lot of people think an asthma attack can be fixed with the infamous magic blue inhaler, unfortunately it is doesn’t always work and people don’t understand why someone with asthma might need to be on various intravenous treatments (indeed when I was on a children’s ward a few years back a little boy’s mum had a slight dispute with me stating that her son has asthma and he got better with a blue inhaler why did I need all the IVs, oxygen etc? and I said it was severe asthma attack and she said that it couldn’t be because asthma isn’t serious its just a childhood annoyance). When I’m feeling bad all I want to do is hide away and neb so that I can feel better and be like everyone else, so that I can get on with the things I want to do. I don’t want asthma to stop me.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness that you May Not Know:

1. The illness I live with is: Asthma

2. I was diagnosed with it: hospitalised with an asthma attack at the age of 3 therefore I count it from then on so -1992.
3. But I had symptoms since: ‘infancy’ according to my hospital notes, I don’t really remember before the age of 3.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: accepting my asthma has become more severe and being on more medication including home nebs.
5. Most people assume: As I posted above asthma and panic attacks are the same thing or that the magic blue inhaler will make any asthma attack better.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Being short of breath and wheezy when I wake up.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I like several; Scrubs, Casualty and Holby City.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Nebuliser.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Waking up repeatedly because of being symptomatic and then trying to go back to sleep after having inhaler/nebs.
10. Each day I take 14 pills (on average), 6+ nebs, 2 inhalers and 1 spray for my invisible condition, not including my ‘visible’ condition – eczema.
11. Regarding alternative treatments: I don’t think they work, however if they work for you that is brilliant.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Definitely invisible.
13. Regarding working and career: I am determined to finish my A Levels and hopefully study Medicine to work as a doctor whatever asthma or anything else throws my way.
14. People would be surprised to know: I get through at least 4 blue inhalers alone per month.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Most people don’t understand how it feels, either people expect you not to be able to do things or they don’t accommodate for what you can do.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I do anything I want to do, asthma is not a reason to not do something, there are ways around it if needs be.
17. The TV shows about my illness: are funny, annoying and sometimes slightly infuriating.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I don’t know any different, this is how things have always been.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: my A Levels the first time around.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Being a member of Asthma UK’s Youth Forum.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Run around lots and do star jumps!

22. My illness has taught me: You don’t know what you can or can’t do unless you try.
23. Want to know a secret? I have met some amazing people through my condition, if it was the difference between having asthma + these friends and the opposite, I would keep my friends and asthma. Friendship is one of the most important things in the world.

24. But I love it when people: wonder where *that* whistling sound is coming from.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Look for the rainbow in every storm

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It won’t always be like this, for most people it can improve with the right treatment.

.27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that people can be dismissive of a condition if it is common, just because an illness is common it doesn’t make it any less debilitating.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Being there for me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: invisible illnesses need more awareness and I hope doing this might help towards that.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: happy/content.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at

http://invisibleillness.com/

Honest Scrap

I’ve been told I have been awarded the Honest Scrap by Olive and Emzie !

I have to write 10 honest things about myself and award the Honest Scrap to 7 other people who I think deserve it.

10 things:

1. I procrastinate a lot
2. My friends are the most important people to me in the world as well as my mum. I could not live without them or their support, I am thankful for having such amazing friends.
3. I worry a lot about karma and whether or not I am a good person. I constantly worry if I feel I may have done something wrong. Therefore I am one of those really annoying people who needs frequent reassurance.
4. I am really accident prone.
5. I have a strange habit of rearranging things in the supermarkets etc so that they are straight and in order.
6. Sometimes I think I should have been born blonde, I say really silly things sometimes. :s
7. I am a stress-head, however my friend thinks if I wasn’t then I wouldn’t be me. hmm…
8. I am left handed.
9. When I am older, hopefully when I become a doctor I would like to go to do aid-work in other countries.
10. I don’t know who I am, people tell me different things; some say I wear my heart on my sleeve others say I am guarded and don’t give anything away. Some people think i’m hyperactive and random others think I am timid and shy.

The 7 people I have chosen to award the Honest Scrap to are:

Simi x

A Levels Induction and annoying wheezes

I had A Level induction last Wednesday (09/09) and Thursday (10/09), it went OK it was rather boring though. It was mainly paperwork, speeches, taster lessons etc. I got my proper timetable on Thursday; it seems a bit better than I thought it was originally. Monday and Wednesday I finish in the afternoon, Tuesday and Thursday I start in the afternoon, Friday I have a full day 9am til 4.45pm. The people I’ve met so far seem nice, unfortunately I’m a bit worried about the personal tutor I have been given, she was very reluctant to allow me to take A Levels due to asthma; it took a lot of persuasion for her to allow me to enrol onto the course. After the first day of Induction I felt like giving up the course, mainly due to the reasons I haven’t disclosed on this blog as of yet and asthma. However speaking to some of my friends I have agreed to at least attempt the course.

Tomorrow well actually today (!) (14/09) I begin my A Level lessons, I just have Sociology tomorrow. I am a bit concerned about Sociology in that it seemed quite boring and the teacher seemed to waffle a lot when I had the taster lesson last week, I took Sociology because I did well at A Level Psychology so took it thinking maybe I would have an easier time with it as well as the fact my other subjects are regarded as more difficult. Human Biology looks interesting; my tutor is also my Biology teacher..eek. Chemistry is the one that concerns me the most, it is full of Maths (not my strong point), I haven’t done that well with it before, it is arguably one of the hardest A Levels you can take and add to that my college doesn’t have a high pass rate in it.

My asthma hasn’t really been too bad lately, I’ve managed to stick to using my nebuliser 4-6 hourly plus inhaler as needed and occasional back to back nebs for mini-attacks, however over the last few days its got a bit worse, not bad enough for me to go into hospital but enough for me needing to neb 2-4 hourly. I need to have back to back nebs a bit more now as mini attacks are becoming frequent. I have put my Prednisolone up so I’m hoping it will settle down with that and increased nebs. I have had a difficult week, a lot of stress and also my hayfever has been playing up more than usual, I think this is why my asthma has got a bit worse.

I got some not-so-good news last week which I was half expecting but still quite upsetting, due to this and lack of sleep etc I have been quite short tempered, irrational, snappy etc this week. I feel really guilty about it, especially when I know there are people in worse situations than me. It also isn’t fair on my friends who are trying to help me.

On Saturday (19/09) I am (hopefully!) going to London again for another Asthma UK Youth Forum meeting, it will be nice to see some of my friends who attend those meetings. πŸ™‚ So that is something to look forward to. Another friend recently had a baby last month so I may go and see her and her little girl this week if I get the time, though I might not be able to catch her in time as she goes back to the city she lives in at the end of the week.

Right well I better go to bed and try and get some sleep (not likely to happen!) I need to be awake at 7am.

Thanks for reading πŸ™‚ I hadn’t realised I wrote such a long entry, almost like an essay!

Tiredness and Insomnia

I’m not in a very good mood. People think I’m fine but I don’t think I am. Every time I post on my blog it is so negative and I am so sorry to anyone who reads this, you must think I’m such a miserable person who dwells on trivial things.

I have college induction day tomorrow, I don’t think I am looking forward to it. My provisional timetable looks daunting bearing in mind for the past year I’ve only attended college 3 hours a week to now go to a 16 hour week I’m scared.

I have had insomnia since January, it started off because my asthma was particularly bad at the time and I was waking up a lot so I just decided to go to bed really late to try to wake up less, it did work for a little while but now it still happens. Sometimes I don’t go to bed until 7am, now can you see why I’m so worried about a 16 hour week at college studying A Levels? Every night (like any other uncontrolled asthmatic) I wake up wheezing, coughing, tight-chested and breathless. Not once but several times. I sleep with an inhaler in my hand, when it doesn’t help I reluctantly go to use my nebuliser in my half asleep state. I don’t want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself as I know I’m not the only one who goes through this, but I think this helps explain why I have such problems with my sleep.

I spoke to my GP about it, he suggested all the usual tips, tried them, didn’t work. I can’t have sleeping medication due to asthma. So now I’m wondering what on earth am I going to do. If I go to bed at a reasonable time I won’t fall asleep til 4am. If I leave it until I feel actually tired then I will go to bed as late as 7am. Hence why I am permanently tired.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am looking forward to college the honest answer is: not really. I am expecting a lot from myself, other people will probably be expecting things from me and this a multiple attempt at A Levels.

I want to study Medicine, but I don’t have much if any hope. My motivation for studying A Levels is to study Medicine. I’ve put myself through the process of A Levels repeatedly to try and realise my dream of becoming a doctor but it keeps backfiring on me. I’ve failed myself.

So I’m not happy, I’m quite sad and upset about it. I’m angry with myself, I’m angry with other people. I have a lot of anger but a lot of pain too.

It feels everything I do gets screwed up.

I wish I had a Pensieve

Its 2am and I’m awake as usual.

Today has been a weird day, not sure whether good or bad, but I think its a been a bit bad. A friend turns 21 today, I feel so old! The last 4 years have gone so quickly since I finished my GCSEs, I never thought I would be still doing my A Levels. I’m not sure the way I’m feeling today that I want to go back to my A Levels, there are so many reasons but the main reason is I’m so tired of trying so hard and not getting anything back. Being determined isn’t enough it seems. So what is the point?

I haven’t discussed other things on this blog, but those other things which I may or may not talk about on here are contributing alot to what took place today basically the cause of it all.


Hmm I think I will come and post again soon once I know how to write how I’m feeling about things down properly.

Simi x