Tiredness and Insomnia

I’m not in a very good mood. People think I’m fine but I don’t think I am. Every time I post on my blog it is so negative and I am so sorry to anyone who reads this, you must think I’m such a miserable person who dwells on trivial things.

I have college induction day tomorrow, I don’t think I am looking forward to it. My provisional timetable looks daunting bearing in mind for the past year I’ve only attended college 3 hours a week to now go to a 16 hour week I’m scared.

I have had insomnia since January, it started off because my asthma was particularly bad at the time and I was waking up a lot so I just decided to go to bed really late to try to wake up less, it did work for a little while but now it still happens. Sometimes I don’t go to bed until 7am, now can you see why I’m so worried about a 16 hour week at college studying A Levels? Every night (like any other uncontrolled asthmatic) I wake up wheezing, coughing, tight-chested and breathless. Not once but several times. I sleep with an inhaler in my hand, when it doesn’t help I reluctantly go to use my nebuliser in my half asleep state. I don’t want to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself as I know I’m not the only one who goes through this, but I think this helps explain why I have such problems with my sleep.

I spoke to my GP about it, he suggested all the usual tips, tried them, didn’t work. I can’t have sleeping medication due to asthma. So now I’m wondering what on earth am I going to do. If I go to bed at a reasonable time I won’t fall asleep til 4am. If I leave it until I feel actually tired then I will go to bed as late as 7am. Hence why I am permanently tired.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am looking forward to college the honest answer is: not really. I am expecting a lot from myself, other people will probably be expecting things from me and this a multiple attempt at A Levels.

I want to study Medicine, but I don’t have much if any hope. My motivation for studying A Levels is to study Medicine. I’ve put myself through the process of A Levels repeatedly to try and realise my dream of becoming a doctor but it keeps backfiring on me. I’ve failed myself.

So I’m not happy, I’m quite sad and upset about it. I’m angry with myself, I’m angry with other people. I have a lot of anger but a lot of pain too.

It feels everything I do gets screwed up.


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