Disjointed thoughts.

Warning: this entry contains a lot of whining and rambling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about some things lately. I’ve been feeling quite agitated and I’ve put it down to stress of exams and being unwell but I think there are other things playing on my mind. It’s so easy for me to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay when it’s not okay at all, I have a role to play it seems to be the happy smiley one, but I feel frustrated and fed up and I can’t pin point it on any one particular thing, I think one of these things is guilt. I feel guilty because I feel I could be a better carer to my mum and it isn’t me being self-deprecating, I have been feeling so tired lately that I haven’t in my own opinion been looking after her so well and I’m not sure exactly what I can do to sort it out. It is a vicious circle because mum isn’t going to get completely better, sometimes she is better than usual other times a lot worse than usual, I don’t know what to do for the best.

 Secondly I feel guilty because I haven’t been a very good friend lately. I don’t think I have been there for them all as much, I have become too cynical and it’s not like me, I have made mistakes. I don’t like being this way. This isn’t who I am meant to be and I think I need to re evaluate things. I’m a strong believer in Karma and I don’t feel like I’ve been a ‘good’ person lately, there is a difference between a good and a nice person, I need to be more altruistic and just basically be a better person. I feel very stressed, upset and sometimes don’t feel anything at all and just feel like I am going through the motions of things. Everything feels hard right now. If someone asks how I am, I say I’m OK because I can’t explain all the complicated stuff going on in my mind. People say a problem shared is a problem halved so sharing it on my blog I hope this helps a little. I am surprised I have kept this blog and update it as often as I do as I have never really been one to write things in diaries etc. I’m trying to take naps and I’m trying to eat meals but just have no appetite lately as I just have this knotted up feeling.

I started A2 Sociology today, we began Crime and Deviance, and it wasn’t very interesting today as it was the beginning of laying the foundation principles of it. I can already tell the workload is going to increase and I am struggling to keep up with some aspects of it but I’m going to try and make an effort to get things I’m uncertain about clarified. It was only a morning of lessons but I am feeling so tired and unmotivated. I start A2 Human Biology tomorrow and A2 Chemistry on Wednesday, I am feeling quite apprehensive.

So that ends my rambling moany post and I hope my next blog entry will be more positive.


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