After being with Blogger since February 2009 I decided to move my blog over here as I felt there was more I could do with it, but being technologically challenged it is taking me a while to get used to WordPress so please bear with me!
So picking up from where I left off…
It has been such a long time since I last blogged – well feels like it anyway.
So since I last posted my Prednisolone did get reduced from 80mg quite quickly and it was all fine, my respiratory nurse said it had been increased to that dose more as a precaution and I was able to reduce down quickly to 60mg a more in my opinion that is acceptable dose! I have managed to do Exhaled Nitric Oxide and my levels are still high but have been coming down apart from last week where it had gone up slightly but that was probably due to the reduction of Prednisolone. I have been going to clinic 1-2 times a week, usually I go to hospital every 2-4 weeks as a scheduled outpatient, this has been weird as I have basically been turning up any given day they have said to come usually Thursdays and see them. It was starting to feel a bit much because I was there so often and this was happening to avoid admission which is good yes but couldn’t help feeling a bit strange about it. I keep getting nagged to increase my nebs but I keep getting to the point where it becomes tiring and repetitive that I just end up using lots of inhaler too. But I am feeling quite good asthma wise now so obviously monitoring things, increasing Prednisolone etc seems to have worked.
Lately my motivation has gone completely out of the window, my insomnia has gone back to the way it was and I don’t usually fall asleep until about 4am.
I am feeling quite hopeless about the university situation, it all feels like a big mess and we’re playing it by ear it seems. I’m worried about what will happen to my mum if and when I go to university, I look after her virtually 24/7 and I don’t know what’s going to happen. The other big issue is I don’t think I’m going to get into university, I’ve been reading various forums and all the people on those have brilliant academic profiles, tons of work experience and are so prepared for their UKCAT tests, writing personal statements and practicing interview techniques. To tell the blunt truth I have got cold feet and I’m starting to back out of applying. Basically it seems pointless and laughable me applying for Medicine given that it is one of the most competitive and difficult courses to go into . Problem is there isn’t anything else I want to do and this makes it so much harder to give up on it. There are no other courses to tell the absolute truth that appeal to me realistically.
So my motivation is low at the moment. Everything feels so hard right now – is it meant to be? Is it the insomnia talking, is it the stress I don’t know.
Mum has been especially erratic lately, I feel so helpless sometimes. I’m too tired for it and people are starting to tell. I don’t have the energy to try to sort her out, trying to pick up the pieces – it’s just too much. I’m feeling in some ways quietly always on edge. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make her better but it doesn’t seem like she will get better, it is a childish fantasy to think she will ever be a ‘normal’ mum when science and experience tells me she won’t, she is effectively treatment resistant.