Back to college, Uni decisions and Asthma clinic

Its been a little while since I last updated.

I started back at college for the second half of A Levels; A2 last Tuesday, the week has gone so fast and its a little bit hard to adjust to.

Chemistry has been the one with the biggest jump from AS to A2, I’ve decided that I will need to retake my AS exams in January to increase the possibility of me getting an A overall in Chemistry. I’ve been trying to do some extra work for Chemistry in addition to revising for my AS resits however mum is very unwell despite an increase in her medication and twice daily visits from the Home Intervention team, this is so upsetting and she distracts me a lot when I am trying to study so its making me feel a bit hopeless about it all.  The move to A2 in Human Biology and Sociology has been less difficult, there is just an increase in work load so far.

I had an appointment with my hospital consultant nearly 2 weeks ago (09/09) , it didn’t go so well but it was productive I guess, it was quite an early appointment – 9am! I was very sleepy and headachey because due to insomnia I didn’t go to bed til late and as a result I wasn’t exactly with it so couldn’t remember some of my meds, peak flows etc. My lung function is down from last time, he thinks that I definitely do have Anaphylaxis after a couple of occasions where I have had attacks/reactions suggestive of this so now as a result I have  2 Epi pens, (pre filled pens of Adrenaline which can be injected into your thigh if you have an episode of Anaphylaxis)  in addition to a ’emergency pack’ consisting of  Prednisolone and Antihistamines and a letter for A&E if I need to use the epi pen(s). I’ve also been started on Itraconazole, because of my allergy to Aspergillus instead of the Voriconazole which was the antifungal the other hospital wanted me to try as part of a trial but I could have been given a placebo,  the decision seemed to have been taken out of my hands and I’ve started the Itraconazole at my local hospital and he said he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks time to see him again. The Itraconazole has been making me feel a bit nauseous but other than that it has been okay I guess.

What annoyed me about clinic was that I was feeling relatively OK but other things like my oxygen sats and lung function said otherwise, I wasn’t told what my lung function values  were apart from that “it wasn’t good” and had got worse from last time which makes no sense to me. My Eczema has been kicking off a lot recently; its just horrible, I guess it is a response to all of the stress I am under at the moment as well as the typical allergickyness.  No matter how much I moisturise it with emollients and treat it with topical steroids I still feel like scratching my skin off when the initial relief wears off and then it is weeping and sticking to my jeans etc which is just not making me feel like a happy bunny at all.  😦

As mum is not well at the moment I am still uncertain about whether to apply for Medicine this year, the closing date for applications is 15th October  2010 and though I have arranged to sit the UKCAT and made a start on my personal statement I am finding myself subconsciously and to an extent consciously veering away from applying for 2011 entry. I am concerned that should I get a place to study Medicine, what if my mum is still just as difficult?, how would I be able to go? Problem is I really want to go to university as soon as possible, I have been waiting for so long, if I left it another year to 2012 that would be a whole 5 years since I should have gone to university. It’s the thing that Medicine is a 5 year course generally and I would be starting when people my age would be finishing, it just feels so weird and I feel like I have been in limbo and wasting my time in the last few years.

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I really should blog more often…

So it seems I’ve kind of gone off blogging, there is simply too much going on to blog about. My head feels like all mixed up like a big scribble. It hasn’t really been a good few weeks,  I have made some private blog posts about this but I created too many different passwords so it became a bit of a hassle so I think I will make private posts less often or simply not make too many passwords.

I felt I was finally getting somewhere at the end of last week when it was agreed my mum would have an urgent assessment only for her to refuse to let them do this yesterday (06/09) it is just all too much and today was college induction to A2 and everything has changed and I don’t think I like it, I can’t deal with it. My timetable’s changed though it might change again, I now have 2 full days with no gap in the day apart from lunch, last year I only had one full day with a 3 hour ish gap which made it much more tolerable as I was able to come home, have a rest etc then go back as I only live 5 minutes away by bus from college. I get Monday off but this isn’t fixed as Sociology might get moved back to Monday. Last year I didn’t get any free days but I didn’t mind as most days I was only there for half a day apart from Fridays. Alot of things within college have changed due to funding cuts, for example; now the tutor groups are going to be much larger as 2 tutors are no longer part of the A/AS Level school and we have 3 tutors now to split between about 90 ish of us so we’re going from up to 15 people in each group to up to 30. 

Today has made me feel like dropping out of  college,  which everyone is telling me is madness and what I know deep down. I am feeling so negative lately it surprises even myself. My negative feelings are affecting how I feel about others, its making me feel quite paranoid and overthinking things.  I literally feel I have lost motivation for everything,  if I go to university I could end up leaving a mess behind which will make me unhappy but if I don’t go to university that will also make me unhappy. I have got nothing and mean nothing sorted out for my university application, not even my UKCAT test and the deadline ends soon. I just don’t have the energy to do anything and I’m feeling so apathetic. If I drop out now then all the works to get to this point would be a waste but how can  I do well this year if I am feeling this way? I told my respiratory nurse about how I’ve got cold feet about applying to university but I don’t think she understood, she said apply anyway but it doesn’t seem that easy.