So it seems I’ve kind of gone off blogging, there is simply too much going on to blog about. My head feels like all mixed up like a big scribble. It hasn’t really been a good few weeks, I have made some private blog posts about this but I created too many different passwords so it became a bit of a hassle so I think I will make private posts less often or simply not make too many passwords.
I felt I was finally getting somewhere at the end of last week when it was agreed my mum would have an urgent assessment only for her to refuse to let them do this yesterday (06/09) it is just all too much and today was college induction to A2 and everything has changed and I don’t think I like it, I can’t deal with it. My timetable’s changed though it might change again, I now have 2 full days with no gap in the day apart from lunch, last year I only had one full day with a 3 hour ish gap which made it much more tolerable as I was able to come home, have a rest etc then go back as I only live 5 minutes away by bus from college. I get Monday off but this isn’t fixed as Sociology might get moved back to Monday. Last year I didn’t get any free days but I didn’t mind as most days I was only there for half a day apart from Fridays. Alot of things within college have changed due to funding cuts, for example; now the tutor groups are going to be much larger as 2 tutors are no longer part of the A/AS Level school and we have 3 tutors now to split between about 90 ish of us so we’re going from up to 15 people in each group to up to 30.
Today has made me feel like dropping out of college, which everyone is telling me is madness and what I know deep down. I am feeling so negative lately it surprises even myself. My negative feelings are affecting how I feel about others, its making me feel quite paranoid and overthinking things. I literally feel I have lost motivation for everything, if I go to university I could end up leaving a mess behind which will make me unhappy but if I don’t go to university that will also make me unhappy. I have got nothing and mean nothing sorted out for my university application, not even my UKCAT test and the deadline ends soon. I just don’t have the energy to do anything and I’m feeling so apathetic. If I drop out now then all the works to get to this point would be a waste but how can I do well this year if I am feeling this way? I told my respiratory nurse about how I’ve got cold feet about applying to university but I don’t think she understood, she said apply anyway but it doesn’t seem that easy.