Decisions and Apathy

I haven’t updated my blog in quite a while now, the reason quite simply is that I am lacking the motivation to do a lot of things I need to do at the moment including blogging here.

I have been trying to dismiss the feelings of apathy for a few months now as a phase but recently I have come to the conclusion it might not be so simple. I have tried so hard to snap out of it, I am lacking so much motivation I just don’t know why I am feeling like this. I have always been a determined person in the past and always tried to power through the difficulties I’ve had but it just seems that maybe the latest series of difficult events has been too much. The one thing that I was glad I had when lacking in intelligence and courage etc was my determination. And now I’ve lost that and I don’t know how to get it back. My college work is slipping and I am terrified, I just don’t understand much. Yes I got an A in my first A2 Sociology essay but it was over 5 pages of rambling which I would not write in an exam and I am rather lost in Chemistry and Human Biology. I hate myself for getting into this rut. I have become so disorganised, again its apathy. Last year I had all my notes in neat form and filed away and now there’s just a big pile of creased notes in my refill pad of paper.

I applied for two Medicine courses to study next September/October instead of the usual 4,  I had to be realistic about where I could attend as I need to be as close to home as possible and unfortunately the next nearest Medical schools were Oxford and Nottingham which would not have been suitable for various reasons. That has left me with 3 choices left on my UCAS application which I can fill with other courses with the intention of graduate entry Medicine however what concerns me about this is that the future of  Higher Education funding in the UK is changing and the current system as a graduate Medical student is you pay upfront the tuition fees for the first year then the Department of Health funds the remaining 3 years (as graduate Medicine is 4 years long compared to 5/6 years of a standard Medicine course) but tuition fees are increasing as the cap will eventually be lifted and tuition fees could be as much as £12,000 a year. I am concerned that if I choose alternative degrees with the hopeful intention of progressing to Medicine would it be financially possible? and worse case scenario what if I don’t get a place and I’d be left with a degree I didn’t do to have a career in that field. I’m considering Biomedical Science and Medical Physiology for my other choices but I’m not convinced right now to put them down, I would have liked to have put Immunology down as I could have imagined being fairly happy to study it with progression to Medicine but the nearest university that offered it have now scrapped it.

College have said I am a long shot for Medicine; I accept this due to my academic profile but I cannot pretend its disheartening. I did quite well in my UKCAT test but flunked the mathematically based component of it unsurprisingly. I was not prepared as I had resigned myself to giving 2011 entry a miss and applying after my A Levels for Medicine. However I have  been pressurised to an extent to go ahead with 2011 entry and I have to admit I am not entirely comfortable about this. I feel my application is weak and I would have been better off applying with a more polished application for 2012 entry.  I am not happy with the personal statement I wrote, some people tell me its good others are telling me it needed some work but had a good base. I am not expecting anything positive from UCAS, I have little confidence in my application and therefore I’d rather not know what the universities have decided.

I am on half term this week, I have promised myself that I’d get all of my work out of the way and do some extra study but I’m not confident I will do it. I feel I will procrastinate cos I’m so apathetic and it will get left til next week.  Asthma wise things have been OK; I was having a flare up a while ago then it settled quite well but now its starting to become a bit more troublesome again. 

I hope to update very soon, hopefully sounding more positive and been productive!

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2 thoughts on “Decisions and Apathy

  1. barefoot_med_student says:

    Ah. I can identify with your feelings. I get into the same kind of “rut” quite regularly.
    Rambling may not be ideal for your essays, but it is good to vent, like in a blog.
    I do hope that you will feel better soon. 🙂

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