Blog update

 

Wow it’s been a while since I last did a proper update, I guess I just didn’t know where to start as so much has happened. It’s been a difficult month or so because of several things. I am struggling with college and have not regained any motivation to work harder at it, the more I struggle with it the less and less motivated I am so it’s a vicious cycle. I have 4 exams in January which I don’t want to do because I feel like I am not prepared enough and the teaching has been patchy in some lessons so there is the added pressure of having to learn some things in addition to revising all of the content. Additionally mum has been in hospital since 03/12 so it has been really tiring trying to juggle visits/leave with college etc. I haven’t been blogging as much as I have lost a bit of motivation for doing so, it just doesn’t feel the same anymore but I will try to maintain this blog better than I have been.

Looking back over 2010 I have to say I am very glad it is nearly over which is strange for me as I can dread New Year because it means another year older etc but this year has quite frankly been rubbish. I have some complicated emotions at the moment which are difficult to explain and I don’t think anyone will understand and it is so much easier to act like everything is fine with a big smile because it’s too complicated for me to try to make clear to myself let alone others. I feel that I have become a more negative person that I was 1-2 years ago and as a result I feel this has changed how I am as a person overall and makes me question how I feel about myself, others and my actions. I feel in a lot of ways that I am only “half there” and going through the motions of things I’d normally say or do. I know I am thinking way too much about this than I should but fortunately/unfortunately I have a big conscience and this means I am really hard on myself and I am a strong believer in karma and feel like I haven’t been a good person lately. I hope in 2011 I am a more patient, determined and less cynical person than I have become. So I guess in addition to all the New Year’s resolutions we all make then break after the first day/week/month I am determined to be a better person and I will stick to that.