I have had 3 exams since I last blogged, I had 2 Chemistry exams and a Biology exam, and I think I will need to retake at least 2 of them. Its not me being dramatic, I know that I did not do as well as I can in January. The worst thing is if I had revised better I am near certain I could have done well on those exams but by the last few days of cramming I knew it was too late. This means that in addition to the guaranteed 4 exams in the summer I will have at least another 2 on top from January meaning that I will have a total of 6 exams in the summer.
I am struggling at college again, I feel like I am out of my depth as we are doing a lot of maths and I am like math phobic if there is such a thing. I am feeling so tired too so I can’t concentrate properly and drift off. I have made plans to get more organised and manage my time off more effectively, I hope I can stick to this. I am very worried about the practical exams in Chemistry and Biology which are due to start in the next couple of weeks.
On the university application front, I have had 2 rejections, one for a Medicine course and the other for a Medical Physiology course. I am still waiting to hear back from my other Medicine choice (which is my favourite) and a Biomedical Science course. I don’t think I will be successful in getting into medical school this year, it is especially competitive this year and my application was not as good as it could be. I think I need to focus on getting the grades I need right now rather than worrying about what’s happening with my application.
Chemistry is feeling like an uphill struggle right now, but the worst thing is I can’t say I have exhausted all options to understand it so it is my fault. My teacher says that if I really struggle with something in it I shut off and don’t want to go near it because I’m afraid which makes the problem worse. It’s kind of got to the point where I don’t feel persevering with it will yield results so what’s the point in trying? That’s crazy I know. I feel like everyone is getting on with their A Levels seemingly with no problems and there’s me so hesitant and lost. It is a bit irritating to hear people who have offers from their universities being so blasé about their exams etc though they haven’t done anything wrong so I feel bad for feeling like that. Though to be honest it doesn’t take a lot to irritate me at the moment.
I attended an Asthma UK residential weekend last week weekend in Manchester (5th and 6th February 2011) it was a stressful experience. The content of the weekend itself was great, can’t fault it, though some of it wasn’t as applicable to me e.g. the workshops on Asthma and alcohol/drugs (I don’t drink alcohol or take drugs) I thought it was a good set of workshops in general. I got to meet up with some of my old friends, meet some old friends in person for the first time and also make some new friends. However the weekend wasn’t a wholly pleasant experience at times, it wasn’t anything to do with the workshops or anything like that, and it was outside of scheduled activities where these not so pleasant experiences occurred. Firstly, I believe that I can cope with stress if I know I will be stressed by something and how, I did not expect this weekend to be stressful or in the way it was. I knew I would not be sleeping well because it was a strange environment etc, but the hardest thing was the confusion that arose. I can’t deal with that; I need clarity (like anybody does) if I don’t have that I get a bit stressed. The kind of stress that I was under was unlike anything I had experienced before, I have had very little sleep and was starting to feeling unwell by the end of the residential and on the way home (fever, palpitations, shakiness etc) because of the lack of sleep then got a migraine (which I don’t think I’ve had before) on Tuesday evening meaning I had to miss college which I felt awful about.
I had a hospital appointment a few weeks ago (27/01) which didn’t go so well, I came away feeling a bit frustrated. I feel a bit like they don’t look at the improvements I have made, I said I’ve been a lot worse in the past and they accept that then they say that I’m still not well which makes me feel a bit dejected about it in general. I did something which I hadn’t before and asked what my lung function was, I was shocked to hear what it was, I keep making excuses for it like my technique or it being early morning etc. A few treatment options were mentioned but nothing has been made concrete and I was meant to have appointment this Monday (07/02) but I couldn’t make that appointment because it was bizarrely at 9pm! So I’m going back in March, and I think I’m going to write down the things I want to say. I feel quite happy to plod along with how things are and I don’t think its worth trying new treatments at the moment when I know other people are worse and need X,Y,Z treatments more so than me and I’m not as bad as I have been in the past, it feels wrong to me.
Asthma wise things were okay until a few days ago, getting increasingly more wheezy and tight chested but I think that is due to tiredness, it isn’t getting that bad that I need to be in hospital or anything like that, its just requiring nebs more often etc. So that’s the end of this ramble, not a lot has changed has it?! 😦