Unsettled

I’m feeling quite stressed out this week, I’m worried about a few things.

I’m worried that my mum is getting worse again, it’s so stressful. I feel there is no happy medium, her compliance with her treatment is becoming increasingly sporadic, and if she takes her meds then she is drowsy for the following 18-24 hours and will be wide awake at 4am when I am trying to sleep. If she doesn’t she is very difficult to communicate with but is awake. Trying to lead an imitation of a relatively normal life is not possible at the moment. I’m scared that she is going to get so ill again that she will be admitted again. She has no understanding about what she is doing to herself by not taking certain medicines, e.g. not taking her Insulin regularly, she has no idea how uncontrolled her Diabetes is and it makes me more angry that when her discharge from hospital was planned they said that it was essential her Diabetes was brought under control and that her consultant wanted her to be referred to Endocrinology for proper management. Since she was discharged this hasn’t materialised, neither has any on going care with that consultant or any other. Her social worker is inept, it’s just very frustrating, they have all made promises which so far they have failed to fulfil. I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen, like if she going to get worse again or is she going to be OK. I’m worried about how much weight she is gaining and how much she sleeps but no one seems to be sharing my concerns. My mum just seems to needing more and more care and yes I can accept it’s partly due to her age but I feel that the people who wrote her care plan(s) have failed my mum and me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past and I don’t think it is a good thing. I keep thinking about the bad things that have happened and I’m worried about history repeating itself. I am worried that I am going to fail my A Levels because I am finding a lot of the work very difficult or else I can’t be motivated to go my Sociology lessons which I find very boring. I want to snap out of this but I feel like I can’t stop myself from failing my A Levels and I’m terrified that I’m going to have to repeat the year which I cannot do, if it comes to that I think I’d just give up, it’d tell me that if I can’t cope with A Levels then I can’t cope with university.

I don’t normally look back on the past but a few things this week have kind of made me think about them. My childhood was a bit difficult because I used to be in hospital 4-5 times a week for my Eczema which was very severe at the time and there was nothing anyone could do, a lot of the treatment options were exhausted or not suitable for a 5-10 year old. I found some pictures of me when I was little which I normally try not to look at and it just brings back all the emotions of that time and the pain I was in. Although I did get a lot better I just don’t like thinking about it because I missed out on a lot of my childhood, my self esteem and other things were not good. I was basically mute and timid until I went to secondary school and I hated primary school with a passion. I don’t want to dwell on this and I know people have had a lot worse things happen but this is how I feel/felt.

I have been on half term this week and it hasn’t been that productive, I have organised my work and did some homework but other than that it hasn’t been productive. I have Mondays free so I want to try to get to grips with doing some Chemistry/Human Biology work to understand what I’m struggling with in lessons. If mum is asleep I can’t concentrate because I worry about her and have to attend to her when she wakes up every few hours in a confused state which can be concerning. If mum is awake I have to deal with racket she makes.

Asthma wise things are starting to get crappy again, or more specifically allergickyness is getting worse. I can’t stop sneezing and my eyes keep streaming, I keep getting hives around my jaw and above my chest and my eczema on my legs is very itchy and dry. I think my Hayfever season has started (I’m allergic to various pollens) because it doesn’t seem like a cold. It is times like these I kind of wish I could have Xolair.

 Argh I just feel like I’m repeating myself on this blog in the last 6 months or so, I get a bit more positive then next post it comes back to feeling like this – full circle, so predictable. 😦

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