A Mixed Week

This week has been so long yet has also gone rather quick. Its a little scary how fast it has gone.

College was hard, as expected. It might be too hard, I’m considering dropping out because I can’t deal with it. Its a combination of feeling I can’t do the work and not wanting to be there at all. I can’t try. Its scary to try because if I get it wrong then.. well then people will comment on it. I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure. This sounds dramatic but I think it would break my heart if I had to do this again next year if this year just wasn’t enough, I literally don’t think I can do it. It feels safer to stop and give up now. Every time someone has asked me if I was back at college I have replied ‘yes but I really don’t want to be’ I said that at least twice on Thursday during asthma clinic. The funny thing is I don’t think I have the guts to actually drop out, I think I’d rather moan through the year and come out of it instead of stopping now.

I said ‘I can’t’ within the first 10 minutes of coming into my Chemistry lesson, I think I’ve given up in it already. My Chemistry teacher said last year when I gave up it was impossible for her to pull me out of it. She thinks I can do a lot better than last year but I don’t have the confidence to agree. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of trying and trying, getting motivated then being disappointed because for whatever reason it is just not enough.

I saw my counsellor on Tuesday, it feels like counselling is something like a sticking plaster in that it helps for a tiny while til the next appointment but doesn’t solve the problem. I think my counsellor realises this, but she thought I was starting to get better before this short break from sessions, I last saw her on results day so maybe I was slightly more on a high because I had done better than I expected. I definitely feel like I’ve gone a step backwards. She says she’s going to write to my GP again, not sure how I feel about this.

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The elephant in the room

“Elephant in the room is an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed.” – Thank you Wikipedia :p

Well its a big room and there’s not just one elephant in it but for this post I’ll write about one of them.

I’m sat here typing this on my phone at nearly 5am because I can’t stop thinking about the morning, I’m meant to wake up in 2 hours for my first day back at college. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, well I knew it would be hard because I thought it was too hard months ago but of late have tried to look at it methodologically as something that needs to be done. Yes, I could have studied for my resits at home and not enrolled back but felt I’d not be giving it a proper shot if I had done that. But emotionally and physically it could be too much. I don’t feel as though I have ‘recovered’ from last year and the minutes are ticking by until I’ll be thrown back into A Levels again. I reached some acceptance in counselling that I don’t know when things will be right again in my frame of mind but its been 6 weeks since my last counselling session and the rational thought that I reached has sort of started to disappear and the truth is I thought it would just ‘go’ like one day and that would be it and hopefully it would be before going back to college again.
I went to see my GP nearly 2 weeks ago and had intended to discuss how I have been feeling as my counsellor had wrote a letter to them. However, I’ve had 2 admissions for my Asthma and have been a bit unstable, bouncing in and out of asthma clinic appointments on a weekly basis or more. I’ve been on high dose Prednisolone on and off for the past 2 months or so and I have been trying another treatment. Anyway: because of this the emotional health type thing went under the radar, yes it was noted in my clinical history bit on my handover letter they give to the paramedics as ‘low mood’ but none of the GPs have addressed it. I had received a letter in the post to come and discuss it with them but this coincided with being unwell when I went to the appointment. I was there for 2 hours while she tried to make me go back into hospital and rang the emergency department at the hospital for advice as the respiratory doctors had gone home who offered no other advice than to send me into them. However I refused repeatedly and tried to show her the letter I had got in the post from them to see them, she read my counsellor’s letter and turned around to me and said “do you ever feel desperate to die, Is this what this refusal is about?” I’ve never felt this way about my asthma and my refusal to go back into hospital was purely because I didn’t want to go back. So after that it wasn’t addressed again, she checked my sats again and made one last attempt to get me to agree to going back into hospital and wrote me a letter for the ED because she was convinced I’d be going in at some point which she was right because I was back in by the end of the week.

So when I went to see one of the other GPs last time, I tried to be brave and talk about it but when I got there all they wanted to talk about was asthma and when I was asked if there was anything else they could do for me today I just literally could not get the words out and I don’t know why, well that’s a lie – I think I do in a way. I think because so much time had elapsed since the letter my counsellor had written it felt like they wouldn’t be ‘prepared’ for when I did discuss this with them as the letter was to in a way help with breaking some of that communication barrier as I said in counselling I could not talk to anyone medical about it. I felt it would feel out of the blue, they’ve made a note of ‘low mood’ in my records and essentially not addressed it. I don’t know what I wanted, I don’t want tablets or a diagnosis but I do want to get better so where do you go when a part of your health is going wrong – the doctors.

This all feels huge because I essentially feel I have lost my ability to cope, I cope on a superficial level in that I can say and do the ‘right’ things. But whatever THIS is, is not something I can snap out of or try to grab a grip of because I’ve been trying to do that for the past year. This all feels like a great failure on my part, I feel like I have cracked. I used to be able to power through difficult situations and deal with them however futile they might seem I’ve always always always bounced back. This situation I have here makes me doubt my ability to cope with life itself let alone the compartments of my life as it is; education, friends, family, health etc because the smallest things feel huge. It feels huge that I do achieve some of the ordinary tasks for the day when last year I would have done them without a thought. I feel like my physical health is kicking me in the teeth at the moment after a relatively good stable period because it is all happening at once and I feel bad for saying that because other people have it SO much worse than I do.

I know what’s going to happen in the morning, I’m going to go into college and put a smile on my face and act positive about things, pretend I’m not bothered about being stuck doing the same thing for another year with people I don’t know feeling more isolated than ever. And there is no one else to blame but myself. But its got to the point where even I can see some of the blame/guilt thing is stupid, I got an A in Sociology but was disappointed because I could have got an A* if I had revised properly instead of cramming the night before, but I still got an A which is great and even though I know I could have done better it is what it is and I have achieved top grades in Sociology and Human Biology which I am actually very proud of because I didn’t expect to after such a draining year. Nonetheless it feels like a huge effort to be back at college doing resits because I can actually visualise the mountain I’ve got to climb.

Anyway this is a long waffly post and I think as it is nearly 6am there might not be any point going back to sleep but I should stop writing now.

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Definitely long time no post!

It might seem I abandoned my blog seeing as there’s been no posts since February but my laptop broke the very night I last updated and I just couldn’t find the motivation to contact the insurance company, its working now but I haven’t used it in the 6 weeks it was returned to me, I’ve got used to doing everything on my blackberry I guess but now that has broken too!

Anyway, I’m rambling (hah what is new?) A lot has happened in the past 6 months but not a lot of interest. Its kind of all merged into one big blobby thing of ‘stuff’ I think I will blog about some of the things in a bit more depth in future posts.

But in a big rambly nutshell, my mum got poorly, I basically gave up on my A Levels and resigned myself to repeating the entire year but did quite well in my exams and only need to resit Chemistry which is a miracle seeing as for each exam I did about 1-4 days of crammed revision and no structured revision. I’ve been having counselling since April,  not sure how much it is helping as a lot of the time I just sit there rambling or otherwise crying about things. It feels like people make excuses for me, my counsellor tells me that things haven’t been straight forward for me and I need to look at my achievements the way they are in the situation presented objectively. I am harsh on myself and view things quite starkly, if someone tells me it’s not my fault or whatever I can’t listen to that. In the past year or so everything that has happened I do blame on myself and I feel guilty about things. I have been filled with self-doubt for a long time and this has extended to me doubting myself physically which has led to a degree of neglect, from not using nebs when it seems like I should to not eating  at all some days because I cannot bring myself to as  I have no self-control and nothing appeals so end up with low blood sugars as a result.  Anyway I’m getting tired talking about this :s so I think I’ll wrap this up now.

I’m going back to college for another year to retake A Level Chemistry and to do Higher level GCSE Maths. I did realise in counselling that if I gave up entirely that I would not move forward to reaching my goals, it seems things will take longer than everyone else but maybe it is something I need to accept and get on with. I decided to do Maths to help refresh things, so even if I don’t improve my Maths grade it should hopefully help with Chemistry. I’ve also decided to join the Student Union at my college, my friend joined last year and it seems like it will be fun and worthwhile.