This week has been so long yet has also gone rather quick. Its a little scary how fast it has gone.
College was hard, as expected. It might be too hard, I’m considering dropping out because I can’t deal with it. Its a combination of feeling I can’t do the work and not wanting to be there at all. I can’t try. Its scary to try because if I get it wrong then.. well then people will comment on it. I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure. This sounds dramatic but I think it would break my heart if I had to do this again next year if this year just wasn’t enough, I literally don’t think I can do it. It feels safer to stop and give up now. Every time someone has asked me if I was back at college I have replied ‘yes but I really don’t want to be’ I said that at least twice on Thursday during asthma clinic. The funny thing is I don’t think I have the guts to actually drop out, I think I’d rather moan through the year and come out of it instead of stopping now.
I said ‘I can’t’ within the first 10 minutes of coming into my Chemistry lesson, I think I’ve given up in it already. My Chemistry teacher said last year when I gave up it was impossible for her to pull me out of it. She thinks I can do a lot better than last year but I don’t have the confidence to agree. I’m tired of all of this. I’m tired of trying and trying, getting motivated then being disappointed because for whatever reason it is just not enough.
I saw my counsellor on Tuesday, it feels like counselling is something like a sticking plaster in that it helps for a tiny while til the next appointment but doesn’t solve the problem. I think my counsellor realises this, but she thought I was starting to get better before this short break from sessions, I last saw her on results day so maybe I was slightly more on a high because I had done better than I expected. I definitely feel like I’ve gone a step backwards. She says she’s going to write to my GP again, not sure how I feel about this.
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