I don’t quite know how to start this post. I’ve been sat here for an hour staring into space and just snapped out of it now wondering why. Its becoming a common occurrence. This week it was half term break, and I let myself down because I expected to find the motivation to get things done. I’m slipping back into the whole apathetic routine of last year. Until recently I have been able to be fully honest in counselling sessions but for some reason now I can’t. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone properly and I’m not sure why. Last week or so, I had a read back through my recent posts and impulsively decided to put them on private because I felt I’d said too much about how I have been feeling.
I think people who have been aware of what has been happening in the last 6-12 months think I’m now back on the right path. I feel like I’m being deceptive because I’m not but appear to be, it all feels rather hollow. There is a ‘plan’ for the year but I feel like I’m pretending to go along with it and not investing any motivation or determination into it because I don’t feel I can follow through with my goals for the year because I don’t believe I have the ability to.
Then from the apathetic indifference to the massive row I had with my mum last weekend because of my aunt (my mum’s sister) I always feel like my aunt is getting at me, nothing is Ever good enough. Different standards for me and her own children. I get very defensive with her and then end up fixating on everything she says. I feel my mum takes her side when she doesn’t have a clue what my Aunt means by what she says. It is OK for her children to go to uni and study whatever they want but for me its different. She insinuates its selfish etc for me to want to go to uni. It feels she just wants me to care for her sister while she takes the p**s out of me and my mum but turn up every 2-4 weeks as the caring sister/aunt. My mum likes to see her sister which is fine. But I think its a bit rich that seeing as my aunt does none of the caring and only came back into our lives nearly 4 years ago to tell me how to live my life. I feel she has defined me as just being my mum’s carer and doesn’t think my own goals or development is important. It really p**sed me off when she went, “do you have to be a doctor because medicine is too hard/too long/uni won’t close to home etc” Which got a rushed through gritted teeth “Yes” from me and I just think *insert expletives* she has no right to comment, after everything that had happened when I was a baby she has absolutely no right now to tell me how to live when she wouldn’t tell her own children to live the way she wants me to.
Anyway, I submitted my UCAS by some miracle 2 weeks ago. Initially I felt almost energised because I had managed to do it but then that feeling was replaced near instantly by worry of being put under that scrutiny again. I’m so scared and it undid the motivation I was starting to get back. I’ve fallen behind homework for the first time this term and my class notes are in messy handwriting which I was meant to write out again but everything is piling it up because I’m not grabbing a grip and getting on with it. I know whoever might read this will think how pathetic I am and I entirely agree. Its so stupid.
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