Not much of an update..

I don’t quite know how to start this post. I’ve been sat here for an hour staring into space and just snapped out of it now wondering why. Its becoming a common occurrence. This week it was half term break, and I let myself down because I expected to find the motivation to get things done. I’m slipping back into the whole apathetic routine of last year. Until recently I have been able to be fully honest in counselling sessions but for some reason now I can’t. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone properly and I’m not sure why. Last week or so, I had a read back through my recent posts and impulsively decided to put them on private because I felt I’d said too much about how I have been feeling.

I think people who have been aware of what has been happening in the last 6-12 months think I’m now back on the right path. I feel like I’m being deceptive because I’m not but appear to be, it all feels rather hollow. There is a ‘plan’ for the year but I feel like I’m pretending to go along with it and not investing any motivation or determination into it because I don’t feel I can follow through with my goals for the year because I don’t believe I have the ability to.

Then from the apathetic indifference to the massive row I had with my mum last weekend because of my aunt (my mum’s sister) I always feel like my aunt is getting at me, nothing is Ever good enough. Different standards for me and her own children. I get very defensive with her and then end up fixating on everything she says. I feel my mum takes her side when she doesn’t have a clue what my Aunt means by what she says. It is OK for her children to go to uni and study whatever they want but for me its different. She insinuates its selfish etc for me to want to go to uni. It feels she just wants me to care for her sister while she takes the p**s out of me and my mum but turn up every 2-4 weeks as the caring sister/aunt. My mum likes to see her sister which is fine. But I think its a bit rich that seeing as my aunt does none of the caring and only came back into our lives nearly 4 years ago to tell me how to live my life. I feel she has defined me as just being my mum’s carer and doesn’t think my own goals or development is important. It really p**sed me off when she went, “do you have to be a doctor because medicine is too hard/too long/uni won’t close to home etc” Which got a rushed through gritted teeth “Yes” from me and I just think *insert expletives* she has no right to comment, after everything that had happened when I was a baby she has absolutely no right now to tell me how to live when she wouldn’t tell her own children to live the way she wants me to.

Anyway, I submitted my UCAS by some miracle 2 weeks ago. Initially I felt almost energised because I had managed to do it but then that feeling was replaced near instantly by worry of being put under that scrutiny again. I’m so scared and it undid the motivation I was starting to get back. I’ve fallen behind homework for the first time this term and my class notes are in messy handwriting which I was meant to write out again but everything is piling it up because I’m not grabbing a grip and getting on with it. I know whoever might read this will think how pathetic I am and I entirely agree. Its so stupid.

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Fridays definitely do nothing positive for my mood or general-well being because Friday is the longest day in my college timetable. Right at this moment in time I’m feeling really irritated with some people and being unable to express this irritation directly is making me even more hacked off. I’m left holding these feelings because I won’t let them go or express them or else make something productive out of how I feel. Feeling emotionally irritated is making me feel physically irritated, my Eczema is particularly tempting to scratch at tonight. When I get really stressed, my Eczema is the thing that gets the brunt of it. Then I’m left feeling a bit sorry for myself cos it hurts so much. It is a vicious cycle. And no Eczema won’t kill me or do me any serious harm but the mental impact of it, in my opinion, is huge.

When I was younger; I had Eczema that was quite severe and spent a large part of that time in hospital as an inpatient and in outpatients on a near daily basis. I had zero self esteem and became virtually mute. I tried nearly every treatment they could offer at that time: bandages (such as Viscopaste zinc dressings), high potency steroids, wet wrap therapy, U.V therapy, countless emollients, Epogam (a type of evening primrose oil). Nothing seemed to work, I went to Dermatology every other day to be covered in bandages near head to toe and had an extremely restricted diet which meant I was inadequately nourished so was put on multi vitamin supplements to correct it. One day, I decided I simply couldn’t cope with it anymore and told my mum to do my dressings at home and started to reintroduce certain foods gradually back into my diet such as milk, bread etc. Gradually things did get better, maybe due to age, maybe being less sensitised to certain foods due to being reintroduced.

I guess the way I’m having chronic flare-ups of my Eczema which aren’t responding to quite high potency steroids, it scares me a little that things will end up the same way again. I’m blogging about a skin condition but it has been and is something that had deeply affect(ed) me. Asthma is largely an ‘invisible’ condition, Eczema on the other hand is quite visible, for example I rarely wear dresses or cropped trousers because I have extensive scarring and post inflammatory hyperpigmentation on my legs which I am very self conscious about. Or standing in front of the mirror each morning to see how much the skin on my face is cracking, if its cracking bad I try not to make eye contact with people because I just feel so horrible.

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October already?!

Its that time of year again; university applications. I’m doubting my ability to cope at university if I was successful in getting a place on my chosen course. Not just academically but physically and emotionally too. Physically in that I’m always really tired from college even though the workload is significantly less compared to my last 2 years, I only have 1 full day for example. I feel frustrated with the fact its physically draining me because it really, really should not, I feel as if I am letting myself be physically drained from it. That probably doesn’t make any sense, I seem to be thinking its a mind over matter thing. But; this makes me feel how would I cope with a full time intensive course in addition to the non-course related things like moving away from home and travelling back even the small things such as how will I cope carrying around all my things to and from train platforms etc which just sounds so silly. Emotionally, given that self esteem and low mood have been recurring themes on my blog that’s not one that needs explaining, neither is academically.

So I’ve finally registered on UCAS, I’m starting to panic about how little of my application I’ve completed. My counsellor called in the careers advisor during one of my recent sessions because I was upset as I feel it is already too late. I honestly feel like this has all crept up on me again, when I applied last year I didn’t expect to get into university (and obviously I didn’t) but thought “Oh I’ll do everything properly next time and will not rush..” but here I am again rushing. The careers advisors make it sound so easy, they say all of the admin information just needs to be copied over again and my personal statement from last year is good and just need to update it and edit some things. I disagree, I am not happy at all with last year’s personal statement. Anyway, despite their reassurances I can’t explain to them or my counsellor why I feel like it is too hard and too late. It is just a feeling and sometimes feelings cannot be put into words however much you try. I really want to go to university but there are so many obstacles and doubts, I especially wanted to go this year and yes there was a small pang of disappointment when all of my friends from college moved away to university in September because I wasn’t going with them, progressing forward like they were. However when I was unsuccessful in getting onto my chosen course at the start of the year I accepted it well and now don’t feel a particular I-want-to-go-to-university-as-soon-as-possible thing because I just feel like I’m not going to get where I want to be so what is the point in persevering so much?

I don’t like that I’m starting to panic over something that I wasn’t really bothered about 6 months ago, I am going through the motions of things. I have never changed my mind about wanting to study Medicine at university, I truly feel that I could be a good doctor. But. As of right now physically and mentally I might not be at my best, I get the feeling from the respiratory team at the hospital that they think Medicine might be a bit too demanding for me and I would love to prove them wrong but looking at various things I’m starting to doubt this part of myself. I don’t know when I will get better emotionally, it could be next week/month or even a year or more. I feel that my desire to study Medicine is not enough right now to prop me up in terms of persevering as getting a place to study it (Medicine) is crazily competitive – I’m a small fish in a small bowl full of big fish if that analogy even makes any sense! So, I don’t know if I will even be submitting an application this year, its scary as I already feel really old.

I don’t like to moan to people even though it is constant moaning on my blog but I feel a bit let down by a friend. I make every effort to listen to my friends as well as trying to make them feel that they have been listened to but I feel some of my friends don’t offer the same courtesy to me. It is hard, to talk about some of the things that happen but even more so when I feel like the person just doesn’t want to listen and just wants to talk about themselves. This friend has known me for a very long time, basically since we were children. I actually don’t want to try anymore to listen to her because whenever I feel I talk about what’s happening I feel like I can’t say it properly or completely as she is obviously bored or finds it too ‘heavy’ or whatever is it because I can tell by her body language. Maybe I should just say I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend issues etc?!…

It is not healthy or helpful to constantly be woe-is-me and from my blog if you read this you might think I am a woe-is-me kind of person. Despite feeling very negative sometimes I am aware that I am relatively fortunate and I know that things could be a whole lot worse than they are, and there are good things in my life, I love my family and friends very much. However; I do use my blog to get my feelings out (as well as discussing them in counselling) but as a person overall, I feel guilty moaning to others and try not to.

I’m feeling a bit more settled at college now, I’m not going to be best friends with my classmates and I don’t think I’d want to be either as everyone I was close to has left now. However apart from when I’m feeling particularly hacked off with the situation, there are some nice people in my classes – particularly in Chemistry which I see when I’m not in my omg-everyone-is-horrible-in-here sweeping generalisation mood. I’m keeping up with Chemistry, but it is all very tentative even though the teacher is really encouraging me and said I definitely underachieved last year, I am rather scared of committing to answers etc in class/homework. I don’t like Maths much, the teacher is a bit terrifying and I just don’t like the work- but so far, I guess I’m keeping up and its not so awful that its like pulling teeth. :p

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