October already?!

Its that time of year again; university applications. I’m doubting my ability to cope at university if I was successful in getting a place on my chosen course. Not just academically but physically and emotionally too. Physically in that I’m always really tired from college even though the workload is significantly less compared to my last 2 years, I only have 1 full day for example. I feel frustrated with the fact its physically draining me because it really, really should not, I feel as if I am letting myself be physically drained from it. That probably doesn’t make any sense, I seem to be thinking its a mind over matter thing. But; this makes me feel how would I cope with a full time intensive course in addition to the non-course related things like moving away from home and travelling back even the small things such as how will I cope carrying around all my things to and from train platforms etc which just sounds so silly. Emotionally, given that self esteem and low mood have been recurring themes on my blog that’s not one that needs explaining, neither is academically.

So I’ve finally registered on UCAS, I’m starting to panic about how little of my application I’ve completed. My counsellor called in the careers advisor during one of my recent sessions because I was upset as I feel it is already too late. I honestly feel like this has all crept up on me again, when I applied last year I didn’t expect to get into university (and obviously I didn’t) but thought “Oh I’ll do everything properly next time and will not rush..” but here I am again rushing. The careers advisors make it sound so easy, they say all of the admin information just needs to be copied over again and my personal statement from last year is good and just need to update it and edit some things. I disagree, I am not happy at all with last year’s personal statement. Anyway, despite their reassurances I can’t explain to them or my counsellor why I feel like it is too hard and too late. It is just a feeling and sometimes feelings cannot be put into words however much you try. I really want to go to university but there are so many obstacles and doubts, I especially wanted to go this year and yes there was a small pang of disappointment when all of my friends from college moved away to university in September because I wasn’t going with them, progressing forward like they were. However when I was unsuccessful in getting onto my chosen course at the start of the year I accepted it well and now don’t feel a particular I-want-to-go-to-university-as-soon-as-possible thing because I just feel like I’m not going to get where I want to be so what is the point in persevering so much?

I don’t like that I’m starting to panic over something that I wasn’t really bothered about 6 months ago, I am going through the motions of things. I have never changed my mind about wanting to study Medicine at university, I truly feel that I could be a good doctor. But. As of right now physically and mentally I might not be at my best, I get the feeling from the respiratory team at the hospital that they think Medicine might be a bit too demanding for me and I would love to prove them wrong but looking at various things I’m starting to doubt this part of myself. I don’t know when I will get better emotionally, it could be next week/month or even a year or more. I feel that my desire to study Medicine is not enough right now to prop me up in terms of persevering as getting a place to study it (Medicine) is crazily competitive – I’m a small fish in a small bowl full of big fish if that analogy even makes any sense! So, I don’t know if I will even be submitting an application this year, its scary as I already feel really old.

I don’t like to moan to people even though it is constant moaning on my blog but I feel a bit let down by a friend. I make every effort to listen to my friends as well as trying to make them feel that they have been listened to but I feel some of my friends don’t offer the same courtesy to me. It is hard, to talk about some of the things that happen but even more so when I feel like the person just doesn’t want to listen and just wants to talk about themselves. This friend has known me for a very long time, basically since we were children. I actually don’t want to try anymore to listen to her because whenever I feel I talk about what’s happening I feel like I can’t say it properly or completely as she is obviously bored or finds it too ‘heavy’ or whatever is it because I can tell by her body language. Maybe I should just say I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend issues etc?!…

It is not healthy or helpful to constantly be woe-is-me and from my blog if you read this you might think I am a woe-is-me kind of person. Despite feeling very negative sometimes I am aware that I am relatively fortunate and I know that things could be a whole lot worse than they are, and there are good things in my life, I love my family and friends very much. However; I do use my blog to get my feelings out (as well as discussing them in counselling) but as a person overall, I feel guilty moaning to others and try not to.

I’m feeling a bit more settled at college now, I’m not going to be best friends with my classmates and I don’t think I’d want to be either as everyone I was close to has left now. However apart from when I’m feeling particularly hacked off with the situation, there are some nice people in my classes – particularly in Chemistry which I see when I’m not in my omg-everyone-is-horrible-in-here sweeping generalisation mood. I’m keeping up with Chemistry, but it is all very tentative even though the teacher is really encouraging me and said I definitely underachieved last year, I am rather scared of committing to answers etc in class/homework. I don’t like Maths much, the teacher is a bit terrifying and I just don’t like the work- but so far, I guess I’m keeping up and its not so awful that its like pulling teeth. :p

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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