The clocks going back is confusing my sleep pattern a bit, I think my insomnia might be making an appearance again and if its not insomnia then its waking up at night quite frequently because I can’t breathe. This is poor timing because I’ve got loads of work to catch up on this week. I’m getting sleepy after doing about 20 minutes of concentrated work, my class notes this morning turned into a scrawl across the page because it was too much energy to lift the pen off the page. How ridiculous is that. This is all very familiar and reminds me of last year. I have an organiser which was helping me keep track but now I’m forgetting to write stuff in it so I’m getting myself into a mess again because I’m not quite sure what I’m meant to be doing. All I can think of doing is not thinking past this week and getting all my outstanding work completed that I know about then taking it from there.
I’m resenting being back at college and I’m not throwing myself into it because I don’t enjoy any of it. I need to do Chemistry because I need a better grade for university…but its such a struggle that I’m giving up on it again. It doesn’t help that I’m being given work that is not on the exam specification which is confusing me further because just as I understand the work I need to know I’m being given work which is just *argh* because it conflicts with what I need to learn. I don’t enjoy doing practicals for several reasons; I find them physically draining, I’m scared of doing the more dangerous ones (I had an accident once and had to go to A&E) and because people expect me to take the lead as I’ve supposedly done it all before. I resent doing GCSE Maths again even though its something I took for personal development. I don’t click with my teacher, he confuses me. I’m resenting it all because I don’t *have* to be back, I’m having to self motivate and being so drained in multiple ways makes that near impossible. I let people think its simple but it so isn’t, I’m not at the advantage people think I am as a resitter because I’m obviously resitting for a reason! Then there is the fact I feel this extra year has tainted my experience at college because my first 2 years were quite positive despite everything, I don’t want to leave saying I hated college when that wasn’t the case.
The other issue is something I’m really worried about, I’ve had to stop/start A Levels a few times and the time I finally manage to take 3 subjects to completion I still have to come back to retake one. ‘Extenuating circumstances’ get bandied about when people talk about me but what does it really matter because the simple fact is I didn’t cope and with the university application process being so cut-throat I think I’m actually screwed. All this crap with having this extra year just proves their point, they’ll think I might not be able to complete the course at university 😦 so what is the point? I just feel what if I get through this year, went through this whole frustrating A Levels process only for universities to say well it was basically a waste of time because we only want people who have done A Levels in the standard 2 year time period. Its this thought, which contributes so much to the lack of motivation. I’ve said this to my counsellor before but I basically get told its not like that, but I actually think it may be. ‘Extenuating circumstances’ feels like an excuse, I know they’re not things I have control of but I just feel I should have done well despite them not done badly because of them. I feel like I’m a weak person because I let them ‘win’. I’m questioning so much at the moment; I thought I used to be a determined person but surely if I was I would not have let it all beat me so easily. I just feel so so bad that I’m 22 and I’m still doing my A Levels, that is the crux of it. Everyone who I went to school with has either gone to university and returned with a degree or working or got children etc. I just feel I’m stuck at the 16-18 stage of my life and I’m forever going to play catch up on my life.
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