It has been about 3 weeks since I last blogged. I have found the last 3 weeks challenging.
I don’t know how to write this without sounding ungrateful, but here goes. I have been invited to an open day for one of my non-medicine university choices because they are considering giving me an offer. At first when my mum told me it was an interview rather than an open day I was terrified and was planning to withdraw my application until I read the letter for myself. The thing is, a Medicine interview sounds less daunting than an interview for an alternative course because..well how do I put this? I’d know what I would want to say? Whereas this course is very scientific and I didn’t write a scientific personal statement so I don’t understand why they may want to give me an offer. I’m now getting paranoid because I also applied for Medicine at the same university and I’m worried it may affect my Medicine application there.
My head is all over the place; counselling is either painful or it doesn’t achieve much because I’m not opening up. It seems to follow the pattern where one session I am really emotional then the following session where I’m not giving much away and so on. My counsellor is great but I’m coming to the view that maybe I’m too ‘stubborn’ and counselling may not help me. I focus too much on the negative. Last week’s session, she mentioned the college staff worry about me because they believe I have a lot of potential. But that means nothing to me because as far as I’m concerned potential is very different to achieving. These are empty words. Everything that has happened, it shows I crack and don’t have the ability. I see things in a very black and white way.
I’ve been thinking about my blog and what I use it for. I used to blog a fair bit about Asthma but to be honest my mood etc has taken over. I used to, and still do, worry about my blog becoming ‘samey’ either too much about asthma or too much about my mood. But then this is where I write things from my view as they are at the time. I don’t consider my blog an asthma blog or a low mood blog.
I am feeling quite withdrawn. I like to spend a lot of time at home at the moment rather than going out. I am finding meeting up with friends etc challenging; I have to psych myself up for it and get so stressed about it. Even then I don’t feel I am at ease or anything. I just feel I am being scrutinised. The counsellor has suggested I see my GP because they are unaware of the true extent of certain things but I find it extremely difficult to get the words out to anyone else. My mum is aware I see I counsellor and is supportive of that, but I don’t think she really understands what goes on in my mind except when we have arguments, particularly over my Aunt and her comments but my mum and I have discussed that and I feel happier with mum about that situation. My feelings towards my Aunt remain the same. I saw her last week and I feel she a) lies to me and b) puts me down. She always states I wouldn’t cope at university, because she says this when I feel negatively I hear this criticism loudly compared to positive support from others. If that at all makes sense. She said it would not be possible for me to afford university or possibly going to a university directly 2 hours ish away despite mum being highly supportive of this.
I’m finding college difficult, I have exams in 2 months. I don’t feel prepared. I’m surrounded by people who are taking it all very seriously but despite my goals my mental state has impacted on the amount of studying etc I do. I was struggling with a piece of homework the other night and realised that I wasn’t even attempting to think it out. I was instead just going through the textbook just so I can put an answer down. I have more time off from college this year yet I don’t use it productively. I am always tired but I don’t know if its mental tired or physical tired or both.
I have a cold and it is making me feel unwell in terms of Asthma symptoms. I’ve upped to my maximum dose of Prednisolone and it is helping. Today wasn’t good, I had some back to back nebs before getting dressed and then another neb afterwards. I realised college wasn’t going to happen today. My mental state is affecting my judgement about my physical health. Because I am full of self doubt I don’t know how I am perceiving my symptoms and I have been reluctant to neb or up my steroids. Then I have the thought what if they’re helping because I think they’re going to help? Like some sort of I don’t know placebo effect? Argh. My spirometry and other things show my problems are indicative of Asthma but I just doubt everything, like my symptoms or my spirometry and exhaled nitric oxide techniques despite doing them in front of my consultant, respiratory nurse and respiratory physiologists. Surely if I was doing it incorrectly they’d tell me? Arghh I don’t know. The values I get… well I don’t know how to justify them because I used to think I’d have better values than I have until I was told and shown otherwise. I wanted Xolair so much and it feels nearly everything in my life goes against me. So I’ve been diagnosed with allergic Asthma, treatment which should be ideal for me is not an option because I’m basically too allergic for it to work, my IgE is simply too high. It feels unfair and typical. The consultant I see has tried to get it for me but the prescribing community will not agree to funding it due to my IgE. So now they’re looking at Immunosuppressants again which I am very much against and have been vocal about this. People try to encourage me to consider this treatment but I feel it is very easy for someone not in my shoes to say they would consider it. Some of my friends who have difficult asthma say they’d consider it, difference is that in their cases they have other more suitable treatment options e.g Xolair or Subcut Terbutaline infusions or Bronchial Thermoplasty. They are not looking at immunosuppressants as a primary treatment option like it seems I am. My friends who have asthma are very supportive etc I just feel very alone sometimes in this particular situation.
I’m sorry that my blog is a continual moan fest with little helpful or useful insight.
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