The question I find the hardest at the moment, which I get asked pretty much everyday is: “How are you?” Or a variation of this question. We all ask this in a conversation to keep a conversation going as well as either because you genuinely want to know and/or to be polite. Do I answer this with the quick, clean and easy “I’m okay/fine.” which progresses the conversation further and doesn’t make it awkward for the other person if I was at the time feeling really low or some other negative feeling because then they might feel obliged to ask why and then that is just messy. “I’m okay” is probably one of the phrases I use the most, it’s a catch all – a default response. It’s usually only through blogging or counselling do my true feelings about some things come out. Likewise, I find it hard to tell people if I’m struggling physically and I will insist I’m fine when maybe I’m not.
I regularly decide to think about the big things when I should be trying to sleep then silently freak out in my head because its all too much and obviously at midnight or whatever time of the night it is there’s nothing I can do right at that moment in time about the things that I’m thinking about. So the midnight-freak out sessions are not conducive to sleep or anything else apart from a sense of unease as I eventually fall asleep.
Here is a contradiction: my mind feels so full yet so empty. It feels full of worries and concerns but the stuff which I consider to be important isn’t there. I do feel empty headed, I feel like the side of me that should be functioning- isn’t. I feel there is no balance at the moment, I’m waiting for the ‘trigger’ which will put things back in a relative balance. I’m imagining a see-saw where emotions and logic sit at either end. Logic has run off to play elsewhere in this mental playground and emotions is sat on its own on the see-saw weighing the whole thing down.
Since Christmas, I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of being smothered by a wave of low mood. There is no particular ‘thing’ causing it, just that there is the accumulation of feeling hopeless about the present and the future. I’ve been telling people that revision for exams is going well but it really is not. As each day goes past it feels too late leading to this unending sense of it all being so pointless. What would be the point of carrying on with college when I do not know if I’m going to get what I hope to achieve out of it. All this time spent, stopping/restarting A Levels – the resits etc, is it going to be worth it? Because right now I don’t know anything, my future feels like it is in other people’s hands which makes me feel helpless and having little control over my life. I’ve had an offer for a different course (as mentioned in previous blog entry) but also a rejection for the Medicine course at the same university which quite frankly just sucks because it feels like the offer is a consolation prize. And to make this all feel so much worse; I’ve now got my heart set on a particular course at another university which is so competitive, something like only 1 in 20 applicants gets an offer of a place to study there.
I’m spending ridiculous amounts of time sleeping and my sleep pattern is going out of wack, I go back to college on Tuesday (03/01) and I don’t see how the fact I spend so much time asleep is going to fit with that. It feels like a vicious circle because the more I sleep the more I feel I need it. Physically there might be a need for it as I’ve just got over a cold but saying that feels like I’m being far too delicate because I don’t normally feel like that due to something as simple as a cold.
2011 has been challenging. New challenges and old. But every year seems to consist of challenges, some which we win- others which we don’t. While I hope 2012 will be a much better year, it seems it would be prudent not to build up my hopes however difficult that is. I’m 22 yet I feel so old, I feel I have lived through so much already but yet there could be so much more to come.
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