Quite a bit has happened since I last updated here and I should have blogged sooner ’cause now I can’t quite remember everything!
So I’m thinking back to the end of November. I had an upsetting counselling session the day after I blogged, it was so intense. Asthma wise things ended up pretty rubbish a few days later because I still had my cold, the weekend had been a bit crap then on the Monday I had made the stupid decision to take loads of textbooks into college (and it turned out I didn’t need them) instead of my compressor nebuliser because I couldn’t carry both as they were too heavy. I could feel the wheezyness building up over the morning but didn’t go home to use my nebuliser and went straight to the city centre to get my phone fixed (’cause it kept freezing and switching itself off). I met mum in the city centre and it was bitterly cold the only relief was when we went into a coffee shop to wait and my chest felt slightly better then tightened up again when we went outside. It took about 2 hours to get home ’cause I could barely walk and we had to figure out a way which was least hilly etc, when it normally takes me maybe 30? minutes at most to get home. I got home and had countless nebs back to back and felt a little better. My mum was trying to make me go into hospital and we compromised that I’d ring my respiratory nurse who said to keep my steroids at 80mg and 2-4 hourly nebs as I had been doing but go in if I felt worse. I gave college a miss on the Tuesday but went out to post some university things which were important and ended up in a bad way again so I used my nebuliser in a supermarket staffroom which was so embarrassing, I’m actually still mortified about it. On the Wednesday I had to go to a university session about medical school interviews because I had applied through a scheme there. I had felt a bit better that morning but the campus is pretty hilly and big so I struggled on the way back and ended up with a first-aider in the train station trying to find a plug socket and spent the entire train journey home having back to back nebs. I had Asthma clinic at the hospital the next day and I was admitted for some IVs because I wasn’t well and spirometry etc was poor, I felt so much better a few hours after the Aminophylline infusion was started, and while in hindsight I should have gone in at the start of the week the truth is there is no way I’d go in unless I was desperate. There was the relief that I didn’t have to make the decision and it was my consultant who did because I do not trust my own judgement. I don’t call ambulances unless I’m desperate, I’ll try going to my GP or walk-in-centres in the hope that they can do something or just ’cause deep down I know that maybe I need to be in hospital but I want someone else to decide for me. Anyway I picked up so well with the IVs I was home the next day but it didn’t take long for things to get rubbish again but not *as* rubbish as they were and I’m starting to feel better again ( 🙂 ) despite managing to get another cold in that time!
I went to the university open day (07/12) for one of my non-medicine choices and they have written to me saying they’d like to offer me a place. For several reasons I didn’t like the course; it is research heavy, they themselves have said they don’t recommend it as a course for people who want to study Graduate-entry Medicine even though they have had some of their students go onto GEM. But it’s amazing to be offered a place there and I do appreciate it. It is a good university and as it was evident from my application that I wasn’t applying there as first choice because my application was for Medicine so they didn’t have to offer me a place. The people who attended the same open day as me were Medicine/Dentistry applicants and had loads of amazing work experience which I had difficulty accessing because either I don’t have the contacts or just the area I live in there aren’t many opportunities. So that was a bit of a knock because I feel they are clearly at an advantage.
Anyway maybe if someone was reading this they’d think “oh she has a university offer surely this should motivate her to keep on with college??” Well no because I can’t think anymore. Literally. It’s like someone has taken my brain and I feel empty headed. Logic etc seems to have disappeared, like wanting to work something out in a past exam paper has gone and I just want the answers to write down rather than understanding what on earth I’m writing or reading. It might be because I am resitting but I don’t know. And I’m wondering is this going to get better? Or have I sort of ‘peaked’ and burnt out? I feel dumb. I have been thinking about quitting college recently, but as for where I want to go in my career I can’t do that. Why is everything so contradictory? I want to study Medicine so, so much yet I have lost or perceive to have lost the ability to actually study?! Why is it I feel one thing so strongly (wanting to study Medicine) but all the other things like low motivation are not impacting on that. It makes no sense. My counsellor thinks that if I actually went to university to study Medicine this stuff might actually get better. She has suggested we increase the number of sessions I have with her. As I finished college for the end of term last Thursday (15/12) I have no sessions til the first week of January and this feels like a long time and I don’t want to be ‘dependent’ on counselling. This is one of the reasons why I was so reluctant to start counselling sessions because I did not want to become dependent on the counselling sessions. It feels like a weakness to need counselling sessions, that I cannot ‘control’ (for want of a better word) my frame of mind without assistance. I still have not taken the plunge and gone to discuss things with my GP because that is even scarier than the acceptance I need counselling. Seeing my GP makes it ‘official’, whereas in counselling I can try at times to rationalise that these thoughts/feelings are a temporary thing and while maybe they might be, I feel if I went to see my GP that maybe I’d be labelled as permanently feeling this way.
My Eczema is becoming a problem again and I saw my dermatologist this week. The topical steroids have not been working for several reasons. I’ve been swapped to a high potency topical steroid, Fluocinonide, in ointment form so that is absorbed properly and my emollients have also been changed to ointment form rather than creams/lotions for better absorption as they feel creams aren’t getting in properly but ointments are so greasy and I feel so yucky after its all been applied but its worth it because my legs have been a lot less itchy but don’t look any better but that will take time I guess. I may need something specifically for my eyelids/face as most topical steroids are too harsh but the skin on my eyelids has been peeling off and weeping.
Sheesh this is such a long blog post… Maybe I should wrap it up now! ahh that reminds me I’m totally useless at christmas shopping, so indecisive and last minute! And maybe I should sleep now cos I need to be trekking it around Ikea tomorrow. There’s probably some stuff I’ve missed so I might post again soonish and bore anyone reading my blog.
Anyway if I don’t blog before, I’d like to wish anyone reading this a very Merry Christmas! 🙂
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