I wish I could start my first blog entry of 2012 with something positive. But unfortunately I cannot. It is actually ridiculous to me how I can let myself feel this way, allowing myself to be consumed by low mood. When I last updated my blog, I was feeling pretty down but I did not expect to feel worse the way I am now. The word that springs to mind about how life is at the moment is Effort. It is a huge task at the moment to wake up, get washed and dressed then do whatever I have to do in a day. I achieve the getting out of bed and washed bit though that might not happen until the afternoon but sometimes I just get changed into a pair of pyjamas and go back to sleep. I went back to college on Tuesday and it was actually awful. Not being dramatic but if there was ever a lesson that I’ve been to that made me feel the size of a mouse and feel completely thick, it was that one. It was something that is one of the easier parts of the Chemistry exam specification. But I kept getting mixed up over the simple n+1 rule and when my teacher spent ages at the end of class going through it with me and the answers was flipping 2. I felt so embarrassed because I could tell she was astonished that I couldn’t understand something that was supposed to be so simple.
I have made the decision that I no longer wish to attend one of my classes because the teacher has been discussing my health with my classmates when I have been absent. He has been asking my classmates what conditions I have, remarking that I have had a ‘permanent cold’ since September (when in class he has questioned me about this and I told him I didn’t have a cold at that particular time) and discussing the severity of my Asthma with them and how he feels college should not have allowed me to study there because of it as he feels he doesn’t understand what I am trying to achieve. My classmates would not know what my health issues are because oddly enough I don’t discuss my health with them. For some reason I find this all vaguely a tiny bit hurtful and I think he has been unprofessional, I know he hasn’t said anything specifically hurtful but I cannot shake the feeling of being talked about behind my back as I was not there and I’ve heard a summary of what was basically a lengthy discussion which was awkward for everyone there which I feel is inappropriate. I just don’t understand why he didn’t ask me or ask my tutor/head of the A Level school who would actually know because I had to fill in various forms about medical conditions as it is part of the enrolment process at college. I will discuss what has happened with my tutor at college tomorrow as I’m adamant I will not be returning to that particular class but I will not be making a complaint or anything. Partly as I only have lessons til the end of January-ish with that teacher as I will not need to attend as that was the only exam I was studying for in his class.
I am feeling really weirded out by the fact some people can read my blog then deem themselves qualified to psychoanalyse me. I am careful to not use certain terms, for example I refer specifically to low mood rather than depression because I have not been diagnosed with that. But that doesn’t stop people from telling me I need to go on antidepressants. The last thing I want right now is someone telling me to take a break and coming back to my A Levels/university in a few years time because for me this would not be the right thing to do. This is precisely what I am trying to avoid but it is difficult to explain exactly why. When someone says this; it makes me want to kick something because they clearly don’t know me or understand who I am. Frustrating. Sometimes it is better to just listen than to offer advice. I’m not asking anyone to listen though. I know I come across as a difficult person when I read this back but this is just how I feel and nothing feels simple at the moment so for someone to look at my life right now and be relatively blase by telling me to quit college or not go to university yet is not helpful. The difference is I feel like quitting college but that does not mean I intend to even though when I’m feeling particularly upset I think about it. If I did quit I’d have nothing to motivate me, and motivation right now is limited as it is. There is the conflict of wanting to get my A Levels over and done with but having issues right now which are making this incredibly difficult.
I’m annoyed that I allowed myself to build up Thursday’s (05/01) counselling session into thinking it might make me feel a lot better. It flipping well did not. There was again the wanting to kick a wall feeling. I am sick of people telling me I can do this and that I have control over my exams etc because it really is not that easy. If I could stop myself feeling this way I would do it in a heartbeat. It feels like I’m trying to fight my way out of a paper bag but I’m unable to do so. I don’t know whether to continue with counselling sessions right at this moment in time.
It is my birthday next week and it is ironically 10 years after the worst birthday of my life, I cannot bring myself to look forward to it and I think I will be treating it as if it was any other day. My birthdays make me sad.
Reading this back it is a bit disjointed as normally I write my blog in one sitting but I’ve had this in my drafts since Wednesday and I’ve been adding to it since so it might not flow that well. I was going to carry on blogging about some other stuff but to be honest I’m feeling like a broken record so I’m going to end this blog post for now and hope my next one is much more positive.
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