Time out?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’m not sure how to write this. I am strongly considering withdrawing my UCAS application and having a gap year. I’ve realised over the past few weeks that I’m trying to rush myself and my application needs to be stronger and I need to be in better health or at least have a better way of managing it. I need a gap year to sort myself out. I feel it’s important for me to take responsibility for my health and state of mind and it appears the significance of some things and feelings can no longer be down played.

Technically I’ve had several gap years but this would not involve coming back to A Levels, as it has been in the past but to prepare myself for university. I’m not going to make any decisions yet, I am going to a post-offer open day at the university that recently offered me a place on their Biomedical Science course. I’m pretty sure I won’t be accepting their offer but I really feel I have to make an informed decision. If I don’t take that offer, I think I will be having a gap year and I will apply for various types of work experience and voluntary work to do this summer and over the year. The one thing I will say about my university application is that I’ve never been happy with it, I’m not happy with my personal statement as I don’t feel it sounds like me or gets across how much I want to be a doctor. I’ve struggled in the past to get relevant work experience but if I do decide to have a gap year I’m going to make a big push to get it. I want to focus on getting my grades as there is absolutely no way I’d come back for another year of retakes.

The truth is that things haven’t been right with me for the past 18 months and I need to address that. I’ve tried to be positive, I’ve tried to get motivated but it’s evident that I haven’t been able to. And whether to address this means more counselling or possible medical ‘intervention’ I don’t know but I need time to work on that. I’m trying to break things down into bits; for now I’m focussing on getting my A Levels at the right grades, summer – to work on my UCAS if I reapply and to get experience and so on. It is not going to be easy to make a big change in less than 3 months so that the year hasn’t been a waste of time. Because, that’s where it is heading, I’ve been trying to make changes to think more healthily but well it seems to always falter. It’s like I really try to pep myself up and think; right, I’m going for this but when I do it’s like running into a brick wall. It seems part of my mind and my body don’t listen to any clocks, I want to get things done but it feels like I’m running but something’s pulling me right back. I try to rationalise that I need to do things properly and that it’s a marathon not a sprint, I can’t rush myself or I won’t be doing my best, but it’s just really hard to accept.

I had my assessment for dyslexia/specific learning difficulties last Tuesday and I feel a bit mixed about it. The tests were quite dyslexia based and I’m pretty sure I don’t have dyslexia so I don’t think the assessment will have any answers for my maths issues. I had a few issues with the sounds test, doing things backwards and partly with reading comprehension in that I could only remember unusual bits of it rather than having a gist of the whole thing. Maths wasn’t really addressed, I did a few bits of arithmetic but I’ve always had more issues with abstract things in maths like algebra rather than simple addition and subtraction etc. I feel a bit mixed about it because I’m not sure if I was tested for the right thing, because the lady who was assessing me was under the impression it was for dyslexia. I get feedback on Tuesday (06/03) and it should be useful whether they found anything specific or not because least then I’ll know that having missed out and playing catch up contributed rather than anything else.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.