Next week it will be a year since I started having counselling sessions.
It always feels like I go one step forward one session then a session or 2 later I’m back to where I was. It’s like teetering on the edge of a cliff. I may be firmly on ground one session then the next being at the edge. Last Thursday after about the last month of sessions being relatively tear-free and making positive steps/decisions I went back to where I was, emotional and dejected. I feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water to not drown, I nearly drowned when I was younger and sometimes feeling scared or sad about things in life, it feels like I’m drowning again. For the last year or so it feels like there is a fog and I can no longer think or see clear. I go through the motions of things but I feel like I’m only half there. It’s like someone has hit me over the head and I feel slightly ‘disorientated’ a lot of the time no matter how much sleep I get. I was given a copy of my university reference from last year last week and I no longer recognise the person that my tutor was talking about.
I know I cope on a day-to-day basis and people wouldn’t know I feel like this deep down as I don’t discuss it with them. I met up with my best friend for dinner last week and it had been a while since we last saw each other in person. I realise now that I was quite evasive when she asked me about how I was, how college etc is going because she commented why wouldn’t I talk about these things anymore. Before I could talk for ages about all of this stuff but I found it awkward and moved the topic of myself away.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling so negative today because there are a few positive things but low mood is like a smothering blanket which doesn’t let the air of positivity in. No one is going to understand why I’m feeling like this because people think things are okay, and that there are things to maybe look forward to. Today I have just felt so lonely/isolated, apathetic and well- sad. There was nothing in particular that triggered it off but I’m finding things hard at the moment, I haven’t slept much for the last 2 days because I don’t fall asleep until 6am. Arghhh just feeling totally irrational and irritated too. Grrrrr.
In a nutshell; it more or less feels like this will never get better.
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.