Recently I’ve been considering why I blog and who for. I started this blog 3 years ago so I could log my life almost like a diary. I figured though there may be ups and downs, it may be good to be able to reflect back on things by documenting them in such a way. It is an achievement for me to continue a blog because I have never managed to keep a diary/journal.
Lately there have been a lot of downs; and if I’m honest with myself and the people who come across my blog, I am not sure how conducive it is to continue logging these downs. It no longer feels like I’m blogging a journey, but a decline. It is boring that nearly every post in the past year or so has been mostly if not entirely negative.
It is not just blogging that is negative, but generally my daily interactions with people. I don’t feel comfortable with people at the moment and I feel edgy. I bumped into a friend and her family earlier and the way they were talking to me and looking at me was horrible. It felt like they were pitying me. My eczema is awful at the moment and I have it near head-to-toe, despite the hot weather I have been covered up in layers and wearing my coat. I dressed like that because I didn’t want anyone to see the eczema. I couldn’t look them in the eye or talk to them properly I recall talking really fast and trying to leave. I didn’t want to tell them that unlike their daughter/sister I am still doing my A-Levels and still haven’t got into University to do my chosen course or discuss how mum is or how my asthma is. It felt very much that their lives are relatively normal and happy, they were judging mine and feeling sorry for me by asking me if I wanted to join them for lunch. I think it felt amplified to me today, I am not sure if all that I felt was the case but certainly to a degree it is accurate.
Anyway; I have slightly gone off point. My blog posts are quite negative and I don’t know if there is any point continuing my blog if there is no change. The subject matters have changed over the 3 years; I used to blog a lot about my asthma but now I feel silly for doing so but now I blog a lot about low mood which is like playing a broken record at the moment.
I feel less comfortable blogging about asthma because I feel I’m being judged for what I write. I also cannot shake the feeling that asthma is considered to be such an insignificant condition when it is not in reality. I have gone into it on my blog countless times about how asthma affects and affected my life and I’m not going to go into it again in this post. The positive thing is that I am not going to let asthma stop me from trying to achieve my goals. However though my asthma may not stop me, my negative feelings might.
I had an exam on Wednesday and it was horrible. It went so very badly and I am feeling so chewed up right now and the way my marks need to be I am not sure if it is even worth doing the other exams for a good grade. I do feel like such a failure at the moment. I feel like I’ve screwed up again and this time there isn’t anything I feel I can do about it. I feel I am not good enough for university because I have to try so hard and it sometimes just isn’t enough.
I am finding counselling particularly unhelpful at the moment. Some comments have upset/angered me and I am not engaging properly in sessions because it feels like she does not understand the situation and it is frustrating. I don’t know whether this is intentional on her part to trigger this reaction into something positive or not but if it is, it is not working. The session I had on Wednesday I spent the majority of it revising, my feelings were not pacified? for want of a better word so I stopped talking and did revision instead. Maybe I am taking this all out unnecessarily on her and maybe it is not her that is at fault but myself. I just find she goes on and on about how I am too receptive to other people’s feelings and take too much of their feelings into mine. It is an abstract concept to me which makes little sense at the moment. I think my mum is finding it really difficult at the moment because I have been unable to stop myself becoming upset at home. I feel bad for not being able to keep these feelings to myself because it feels selfish to have emotions.
I’m not saying I want to stop blogging but I want to be able to have something different to say. I blog because it is an outlet but everything is the same at the moment. I feel at the same time both giving up (with how life is) but also I feel the need to change my situation which is a contradiction.
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