Productive July :)

It’s been a little while since I last updated. The summer school I went to was so so good, I had the best time. I could go on and on about how much I liked the Medicine course, the university and everything else. I actually felt like if I was fortunate enough to get a place there next year that they would try to ensure its a smooth as possible a transition as possible, they said the enablement service would look at things that I might need to help me cope better with uni for example, ground floor accommodation. I got to stay in student halls and it wasn’t scary at all :p (I had a worry about locking my door) The programme itself was really useful and has made me rethink how I’d go about completing my application if I do reapply this September for Medicine. The funny thing is that I was kind of hoping this programme would put me off Medicine but if anything it’s sort of made me feel even more enthusiastic about it and more sure than ever that this is what I want to do in life, I’m smiley just thinking about it! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

I’ve applied for voluntary work and I’m really looking forward to everything getting sorted so I can get started with it. There are 2 particular voluntary work placements I am keen on doing but I’ll wait and see what they can offer me. I want to be able to get on with a possible university application but I feel like I’m in a bit of a limbo at the moment because everything depends on results really and I’m getting sort of bogged down thinking about exams and results. It makes it a bit hard to make plans, I either want to know results right now or I want it to be ages away but instead it is about 3 weeks away and I have a horrible sick feeling about it. 😦

I went to see dermatology last week and it was productive in both a good and bad way. I have new treatment; topical immunosuppressants, new topical steroids and… dressings. I can cope with the idea of topical creams, ointments etc but not dressings. It’s stupid because I had dressings and bandages when I was a child for years and coped so it should be a breeze but I just feel a bit gutted that it has come to that again. They’re Comfifast easywrap garments which they said would be better/easier rather than the Tubifast tubular dressings I used to have as a child, I took the dressings out of the boxes and I just found it hard to look at them let alone use them. I also sort of feel like I have been left to it with the dressings whereas as a child and as a family we were supported with it. I was given a lot of verbal instructions but nothing written but then maybe that is my own fault for not asking/writing them down myself. I can’t bring myself to use them because they remind me of the bad times and I can’t really take the idea of even using them in the very short term. I’m sure if I just bit the bullet and put them on it would be OK and right now it’s the thinking about it that’s making it worse as well as the weather being really warm the idea of wearing dressings 24 hours a day is not pleasant. I also have antibiotics again because they said something about patients with eczema being vulnerable to infection. I was offered oral immunosuppressants which unsurprisingly I declined given as in the past I have been reluctant to consider them in the use of managing my asthma, it has given me food for thought though in that if both asthma and eczema wise things didn’t improve then there is clearly something which has been standing out as a treatment option for some time and perhaps I cannot continue to ignore/decline it.

I’ve kind of forgot what else I have done as it’s been quite a busy month. Busy is good because I’m less likely to mope around and I have less time to think. I’ve been meeting up with friends who are home from uni etc and visiting the lovely Emma while she was in hospital for her subcut Terbutaline trial. Oh and went shopping for the day with Emma and the equally lovely Annie, Annie introduced us to the most amazing pretzels ever though as I’ve not had soft pretzels before I would be biased!

Anyway! I think it is time for me to go to sleep now or at least attempt to…!

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Trying to make a change.

I have been neglecting my blog again recently! I finished my exams exactly 2 weeks ago (19/06) today and I had A-Level Leavers tutorial today (I had the same last year but knew I would be returning). Exams were horrible, I feel like I have not done my best and my mental state at the time was particularly low. I have come to the conclusion that it is time to speak to my GP about this and decided to wait until exams are over and allow the whole exam stress frenzy to calm down before doing that. I have discussed this with my counsellor and she has said she will write to my GP again so that I can try to raise the subject with them more easily. I am worried about seeing my GP as I feel so lame for saying my thoughts and feelings out loud. I really do want to get better and get on with my life so I can go onto achieving my goals and the only way to move forward, I feel, is trying to sort this out. It is strange that I sort of feel that reaching this acceptance sort of means I am a little better? I don’t know. I feel because I am good at hiding my feelings and acting positively in front of others and I don’t know how I can explain this to them. College have no idea and have assumed all the problems I have had this year is down to my asthma alone.

I’m questioning whether university is right for me at this stage. I like the idea of going to university, specifically studying medicine but as to whether I can cope I don’t know. I’m concerned that I’m trying to do something that is unattainable. A part of me wants to go to university as soon as possible because I want to move on with my life but the realities of university life slightly frighten me. I don’t feel I can hand on heart say I deserve to be there because I genuinely don’t feel that I am able enough.

If I manage to get my grades this year which at this moment in time feels unlikely I planned to have a gap year but a gap year doing what? It has to be something useful that will help me cope with uni should I get a place for next year. I found a summer school for medicine applicants which is aimed at people like me and I was successful in getting a place on it and I am really looking forward to it, it has actually made me feel a bit positive although all that I have written above with regards to my feelings about exams and university is never far from the front of my mind. I have been researching voluntary work opportunities and ways of gaining work experience. One of the things that I have been looking into is a volunteering with children and young adults who have disabilities. Other things I have looked at are volunteering in my local hospitals. I feel it is really important to make the most of this year I am having out before going onto university, I am also aware that I cannot keep deferring years/stages of my life trying to make the circumstances more favourable. I’ve had quite a bit of time out now and I want to move on and not end up in a rut. Time is precious and we only have one life and I don’t feel I have always appreciated that until recently when it hit me that it is now 5 years since I would have gone to university had my health and other circumstances been different. I don’t like being at the age of 23 and feeling like I’ve not achieved anything of significance in my life as of yet.

Healthwise, eczema is depressing me at the moment. I was prescribed antibiotics because of it flaring up- weeping and feeling hot. My temperature had been high and I’d not felt able to get out of bed. I didn’t realise I had an infection until I saw the GP but it explained partly why I’ve been feeling quite run down of late. I’m back on Dermovate but that is not ideal even though it is actually the only thing that seems to be helping a little at the moment. Other than antibiotics, they said ordinarily they would consider a course of oral steroids but I’m on oral steroids for my asthma anyway. I’m feeling worried that things are ending up as they were when I was a child and I do not think I could cope with it again. I see Dermatology this month and I am really hoping they have some new ideas because I hate feeling like this. My asthma has been relatively good and stable for the past couple of months which makes a pleasant change.

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