Trying to make a change.

I have been neglecting my blog again recently! I finished my exams exactly 2 weeks ago (19/06) today and I had A-Level Leavers tutorial today (I had the same last year but knew I would be returning). Exams were horrible, I feel like I have not done my best and my mental state at the time was particularly low. I have come to the conclusion that it is time to speak to my GP about this and decided to wait until exams are over and allow the whole exam stress frenzy to calm down before doing that. I have discussed this with my counsellor and she has said she will write to my GP again so that I can try to raise the subject with them more easily. I am worried about seeing my GP as I feel so lame for saying my thoughts and feelings out loud. I really do want to get better and get on with my life so I can go onto achieving my goals and the only way to move forward, I feel, is trying to sort this out. It is strange that I sort of feel that reaching this acceptance sort of means I am a little better? I don’t know. I feel because I am good at hiding my feelings and acting positively in front of others and I don’t know how I can explain this to them. College have no idea and have assumed all the problems I have had this year is down to my asthma alone.

I’m questioning whether university is right for me at this stage. I like the idea of going to university, specifically studying medicine but as to whether I can cope I don’t know. I’m concerned that I’m trying to do something that is unattainable. A part of me wants to go to university as soon as possible because I want to move on with my life but the realities of university life slightly frighten me. I don’t feel I can hand on heart say I deserve to be there because I genuinely don’t feel that I am able enough.

If I manage to get my grades this year which at this moment in time feels unlikely I planned to have a gap year but a gap year doing what? It has to be something useful that will help me cope with uni should I get a place for next year. I found a summer school for medicine applicants which is aimed at people like me and I was successful in getting a place on it and I am really looking forward to it, it has actually made me feel a bit positive although all that I have written above with regards to my feelings about exams and university is never far from the front of my mind. I have been researching voluntary work opportunities and ways of gaining work experience. One of the things that I have been looking into is a volunteering with children and young adults who have disabilities. Other things I have looked at are volunteering in my local hospitals. I feel it is really important to make the most of this year I am having out before going onto university, I am also aware that I cannot keep deferring years/stages of my life trying to make the circumstances more favourable. I’ve had quite a bit of time out now and I want to move on and not end up in a rut. Time is precious and we only have one life and I don’t feel I have always appreciated that until recently when it hit me that it is now 5 years since I would have gone to university had my health and other circumstances been different. I don’t like being at the age of 23 and feeling like I’ve not achieved anything of significance in my life as of yet.

Healthwise, eczema is depressing me at the moment. I was prescribed antibiotics because of it flaring up- weeping and feeling hot. My temperature had been high and I’d not felt able to get out of bed. I didn’t realise I had an infection until I saw the GP but it explained partly why I’ve been feeling quite run down of late. I’m back on Dermovate but that is not ideal even though it is actually the only thing that seems to be helping a little at the moment. Other than antibiotics, they said ordinarily they would consider a course of oral steroids but I’m on oral steroids for my asthma anyway. I’m feeling worried that things are ending up as they were when I was a child and I do not think I could cope with it again. I see Dermatology this month and I am really hoping they have some new ideas because I hate feeling like this. My asthma has been relatively good and stable for the past couple of months which makes a pleasant change.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

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One thought on “Trying to make a change.

  1. kerri says:

    Is there any kind of “lower-level”-ish program you could take during your potential gap year part time? I.e. Something that has direct out of high school admittance or something [I am not sure what the terminology for it would be in the UK system, or how you define college vs. university, etc]. For example, our local community college has a Therapeutic Recreation program that I am interested in, and as it is direct out of high school admission I figure it would likely be easier than later-year University classes. In which case, even if you just go part time, you are keeping your academic skills brushed up in a less demanding environment, and potentially learning new ones as you will not be as stressed. For example, obviously a 4-8 month program that accepts basically ANY student right out of high school would be less challenging than your current program and may give you the break you need while keeping you engaged and having something to put on your resume [do you call those CVs there? ;)]

    If you want to brainstorm on it, drop me an e-mail.

    Hang in there ❤

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