It would have been nice to have held onto the positive-ish vibes from my last post but August has been really difficult.
The biggest problem is that my eczema has got worse and worse and to be frank I’m in a lot of pain. So much pain that I’ve not been going outside unless essential, so collecting meds from pharmacy or doing a food shop for my mum or hospital appointments for my asthma. The new meds obviously didn’t work and may have made things worse. Tacrolimus cream (immunosuppressant) made my skin feel like it was on fire and consequently I scratched loads of skin off my face, legs and arms. The dressings were too scratchy as they were not cotton and made my skin too hot and the steroid cream stung so much and left me in so much pain. My lymph nodes are swollen in my neck and head, running high temperatures and feeling like absolute rubbish I’ve been on antibiotics that don’t work, antihistamines that don’t work. My skin’s been weeping in various places that I think I’ve become a bit dehydrated so I’m trying to drink plenty of water to compensate for what I am losing. Its actually ridiculous as it hurts to cry about it because I’ve got deep cuts on my eyelids and under my eyes so crying makes it worse. 😦
For the first time in a long time I have become disillusioned with doctors, healthcare in general. I have not wanted to see any doctors because I feel as a result of what dermatology prescribed me they make things worse. At the moment I just want to be left alone and stay in bed, I get relief if I am asleep. I just feel really bothered (for want of a better word) and for the time being I’m scared they’re going to make things more worse than they already are.
The problem with eczema is apart from the physical symptoms of the itch, pain etc it is a very visible condition. People cannot help but point out how it looks which is upsetting as they should know better, its like they cannot engage their brain before speaking. I’m meant to go out on Wednesday for my best friend’s leaving party as she’s moving away to London but I don’t think I can face going at the moment but I know I would regret if I didn’t so I’m in a bit of a conflict. My self esteem is really low at the moment and I don’t think I want to be put under the scrutiny of trying to have a conversation with people and wondering when they are going to comment on my skin.
I can’t really think past the next week or so at the moment and I don’t think I will be applying for university this year. I don’t want to apply to university because I don’t want to risk being rejected again. My body feels like a bit of a failure at the moment and therefore mentally I feel like a failure too. I don’t have the ‘winning’ attitude at the moment to attempt to complete a university application.
I’m worried I’m putting pressure on my mum again, when I was a child the amount of care (therefore strain put on her) my eczema required I’m convinced it lead to her eventual diagnosis of her illness and I don’t want to make her any more ill than she is already. I feel guilty that my illness made her illness worse.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, I expect I will snap out of my tantrum with doctors soon and go and see them but with everything else I feel things have become stagnant and I don’t have enough time to get things flowing again in a more meaningful direction.
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