stressful times.

I’ve taken a little longer than expected to update again, I’m kind of having some trouble writing down my thoughts and feelings about recent things.

It makes sense to start from where I left off. Eczema wise things are still crappy, I saw a community dermatologist a few days after I blogged who wasn’t particularly pleasant and distinctly unhelpful. It was basically you’re too complicated to deal with and I don’t have the time to deal with you so see the hospital dermatologists. Useless. So I’m finally seeing my (hospital) dermatologist again in under 2 weeks and I cannot help but pin so much on this appointment as mentally and physically I feel so rubbish because of eczema. My face resembles a tomato, my skin on my legs is weeping and scarred and the skin is thinning out and wrinkling because of the steroid creams so its breaking easily, ripping like paper when I scratch it.

A few days after my last blog post I was admitted to hospital for my asthma following clinic. The first night was crap; a combination of feeling so short of breath yet vomiting and headachy due to the Aminophylline and I was beginning to think Aminophylline infusion wasn’t working but I felt like a different person in the morning, much less wheezy and short of breath so I was home on the weekend.

I guess feeling somewhat physically better after this admission, I felt maybe I could apply to university. I went to see the careers advisors at college and started the process of UCAS again. As I wanted to apply for a Medicine course this involved taking the UKCAT test. Unlike last year I could not get a test slot where I live and was instead given a slot near London for the penultimate day before testing ended for this year’s university applications. I had everything so well organised but 5 minutes after my train left there was this loud crunching sound and the train skidded a bit and then came to a stop halfway out of a tunnel, the train had hit someone who was doing tricks on a motorbike. I rang UKCAT who said they couldn’t do anything until after the test had ran out on their system and I would have to pay for a new test in either London or Manchester the next day. I missed my test by 2 hours because the train was damaged and because of the fatality there was an investigation going on. I ended up going to London because there were no trains going home till a few hours later and tried to re book my test but I was on hold till the offices closed and then I got lost in Camden trying to find somewhere with internet access to book online which wasn’t possible as my test hadn’t cleared from the system. I rang UKCAT the next day and they said that I couldn’t do a same day booking. So by this point I was beside myself with stress. Eventually after college wrote to UKCAT and after my MP wrote to them, UKCAT granted me an exemption which meant I could still apply this year for medicine. In all of this uncertainty my application hadn’t been completed as I thought I’d have to wait a year. I finished my application but I cannot say I am satisfied with it nor can I decide where and what else to apply to and for.

It feels that ever since my last blog a new issue that causes stress keeps happening and it feels I’m not getting a break. For example, my mum hasn’t been great recently so this is emotionally draining. I can’t remember when I last felt ‘happy’. I used to believe that however hard a day it could be that maybe we’re all allotted a small bit of happiness every day. But life sort of feels like a drag at the moment, somewhat more of an existence of sorts rather than living.

I am religious but lately I’d say rather than questioning my faith, I am questioning myself. A lot of the emphasis in my religion is on karma, and I keep questioning every single day if I have done something bad to deserve the things that happen. My mind is a little occupied by it. I believe that there is God but I don’t believe at the moment that God likes me. I am finding myself everyday wondering what else could go wrong.

I went for an eyesight test last Friday (02/11) because my glasses broke and I was due a test anyway. I knew that my sight had got worse, particularly my left eye. There was a significant difference in the numbers between my eyes so the optician wanted to see if there was a particular reason for it. He got the slit lamp out etc and found that in my left eye was quite hazy for a young person, he then asked if I take steroids and told me it appears I may have cataracts due to steroids and if so I’d need to have the cataracts removed and the lens replaced. As it wasn’t clear enough if it was cataracts or not I was told that I’d need to come back in 6 months to see if there’s any change as well as adjusting my prescription to what it needs to be as at the moment the change I need would be too much for my eyes to adjust to straightaway and to discuss it with my GP. I was shocked and I am gutted, though it is positive that he didn’t say that it definitely is cataracts, I am hopeful that it is something that I don’t need to worry about. I am more reluctant than ever to take oral steroids and despite there being the weigh up of being able to breathe versus the side effects, at the moment the side effects are more important to me because of recent events.

Despite wanting to study Medicine, to become a doctor, I feel I have lost my way. I feel I am progressively becoming less and less bright for want of another word. I feel as though I’ve been hit on the head and a little concussed and slow. I feel out of sorts I guess. I can’t seem to work anything out and I am lacking the patience with myself to work things out. It is a little bit frightening at the moment, I feel I am losing parts of myself.

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