What is the point in holding on when there is nothing left that is worth holding onto?
I have faced the stark realisation that my goals, ambitions are pitifully delusional. I should have realised 8 years ago well earlier than that really that my life was never going to be that of a typical young adult. It comes with bitter age, that I have wasted my life chasing something that isn’t possible and never was. In 1998 when I first saw the signs of mum’s illness, life had irrecoverably changed. When it was confirmed a year later, I should have realised that my life would go off course from where I wanted. I do not resent my mum, I resent what happened to us. I resent the fact mum has had a painful past 24 years due to her horrible siblings and her illness. Then I look at 24 and I sometimes wonder if she regrets having me because her life basically got more and more crap since I was born. She lost her mother 18 days before I was born and her father 15 months later, add to the fact her siblings were abusive creatures and her marriage was breaking down. So really I’d blame the fact I was even born, maybe I cursed her life and I wonder if I wasn’t around if her life would be better, maybe she would suffer less.
If I’m not happy then my mum probably isn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy, my grimaces are mistaken for smiles. I think my aunt was right when she said my mum should never have had children, she said it was a good thing my mum lost the second baby, because I feel I have inflicted suffering on her. Who knows what she would be now if I didn’t exist? She could be happy and healthy for all I know.
And now, I don’t even know if mum is going to make it home. If she does she is going to require a lot of care, she already did need a fair bit of care before all this crap happened. And more and more crap keeps piling on us; she has an intracranial bleed and fluid on her brain, they were found on a second head CT scan so now the neurosurgeons are involved deciding if they need to operate, and the renal doctors also think she has biliary sepsis so more antibiotics for that. Her femoral line that she was receiving dialysis through has been removed as she doesn’t need dialysis at the moment, they have diagnosed her with Acute Kidney Injury (AKI) and so I googled this like you do and from the few pages I’ve read the prognosis isn’t always good.
So I’ve decided to go to college tomorrow and inform them that I will be withdrawing my university application. I was never going to get in because a) I’m not good enough and b) I won’t be able to do the course as I’ve got a sick mum to look after. And I don’t think I intend to apply again. 3 applications later I realise it is time to give up. There is no feeling like a failure, I am simply a failure. I have put everything in my medicine/university ‘portfolio’ into a box which I will bin when the next bin collection is due, removed every trace that I have ever had the ambition to become a doctor as far as unfollowing/unsubscribing from medical things. I will leave my blog posts because this blog follows my journey; laughably to realising what a failure I am but we don’t all get a happy ending, life isn’t a fairytale where Disney can create us a new ending if we don’t like it.
The simple maths are: bad things happen to me because I am a bad person. Karma is a very logical system really. Life feels grim at the moment but then I deserve it. I’m going to cancel my counselling sessions tomorrow too because I don’t think you can counsel this, it is the truth. I’m also going to cancel my treatment at the hospital, because a) I do not deserve the expense, it can be used for someone who deserves it and b) there is now no point in trying so hard to get better because there is nothing now to aim towards. I think I’m going to ask to be discharged from my outpatients care because those appointments are deserved by people who are better people than me and deserve to get better. I get ill because I deserve it and that is why there is no point trying to get better.
God wants this and I should stop fighting it.
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.