Weight on my mind

I’ve not blogged in a while because my mind has been too full.

Each time I have tried to write a blog I have experience different emotions, from being focussed to being empty. Today is a feeling empty day.

Things got really tough a few weeks ago when I was called in due to my mum becoming unresponsive, it transpired she had another bleed on the other side of the brain. The neurosurgeons say she has subdural haematomas and that they’d like to do an operation. She spent a week on a neurosurgery ward and when she was more alert she refused said operation and they decided she had capacity to do that, I’m still a bit uncertain about this. Once she refused they couldn’t wait to move her from their ward. They left me in a state of distress saying without this operation she could have a stroke or die. They told me that they will not intervene even if this was to worsen.

I was devastated and knew it wasn’t right and contacted my mum’s support worker the following day and they said it didn’t sound right either and that they would like to perform their own capacity assessment. It turned out that my mum’s CT scans had shown improvement and thus the neurosurgeon was happy to leave her be at this time. She was moved back to the renal ward despite her renal failure now being resolved. The renal doctors and nurses are amazing, they reassured me that they would intervene if there was an emergency and also said that they didn’t ever believe surgery was necessary however they said they would handle it differently to the neurosurgery team if it did become necessary.

My mum has had a chest infection for the past three weeks that shows no signs of shifting anytime soon, she’s been on weird combinations of antibiotics and the fact that it hasn’t cleared up yet does worry me a little. Although less worried than when they said she had sepsis but thankfully that looks like its been resolved. She is much better in herself though and the doctors and physiotherapists have decided she can start the process of mobilising again. I’ve been warned that this will take a while due to the amount of muscle wasting but I knew that. I’m so pleased that she manages to sit out of her bed for a little while and use the walking frame for a few minutes each day. I’m so, so proud of her. Despite my mum’s siblings suggesting she isn’t a good parent due to her health problems, I disagree. She is my mum and is so strong despite everything, she did her best and anyone without an agenda knows that. I’ve always felt very loved and supported. She’s amazing.

I have had a lot of conflict with my mum’s siblings recently and I’ve discussed this so much with my friends lately I don’t want to go into this all again because it feels like chewing gum. It was and is upsetting -it is hard to deal with. They said a lot of things that were untrue and try to paint themselves as angels. They know how to hurt and manipulate me but its hard to fight back.

I miss my mum a lot even though I see her everyday, everything in my day is built around that. Life feels on hold at the moment. I don’t think I can get across how tough things have felt for the past 2 months, it has been a tough start to 2013. Sometimes I wonder if I am partly running on adrenaline.

It is really hard to let go of my dream because well I don’t want to. But it is delusional, I’m not good enough. Everyone knows that. I’m struggling that my life was so focussed on that, I was so determined and now I feel my life has now meaningful purpose. I feel like I’m drifting and this is horrible. Motivation appears one second then disappears in the next, like trying to catch a speck of dust in the air. Sometimes I have moments of rediscovering my passion and determination but again this disappears as quickly as it appears.

I hate feeling stuck. Stuck in mud. I kept wishing I could go back to change things, now I’m wishing I can find a way to move forward. The feeling of giving up or holding on is really not so far apart or distinct, it balances of a spin of a coin.

People spout out the same clichés and phrases all the time. Some words are overused and used too loosely. We’re all special apparently. I’m unique, yes. Special, no. Describing someone as intelligent so lightly. I’m not intelligent.

Despite everything that happened recently; I wouldn’t say I’m glad that it happened because that would be 100% a lie, but it has been a few months full of learning curves. My 24th year has certainly had a challenging start. Plenty of food for thought. I think too much. For example; I’m both far stronger than I realised yet far weaker than I realised. So contradictory.

From a health point of view I’m feeling fatigued and apathetic, not physically but the logistics of everything, the appointments and disappointments. The huge expectations for me to live the way they want with such restrictions or to accept things willingly. I cannot accept that my dermatologist says my eczema will not get better because I
know it can because it did before.

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