Things are feeling very much up in the air again. Mum had a head CT scan last week and the neurosurgeons said to use Dexamethasone to treat the subdural haematomas. Disappointing in that they’ve not diminished by themselves but relieved that for now that surgery is not the immediate option. I’m really hoping that Dexamethasone works so that my mum doesn’t have to go through that surgery again, it was so difficult emotionally for both of us. In addition to this, there is a returning concern- mum’s renal function was not good today, her potassium levels were high so was given an infusion to try to decrease it. In all honesty (and this is so scary) I’m feeling history is appearing to repeat itself. I want answers but they are difficult to get for a few reasons.
I’m finding my character traits very frustrating at the moment. I hate the echoes of timidness I still have from when I was a child. I thought I was over this but I realised last week that it was still there. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but when I was a child I was so timid that I was virtually mute until I left primary school, the timidness was so physical to me I just could not bring myself to speak in lessons when prompted by teachers, one teacher in particular was awful (she was the one who first described me as timid) she told me to answer a certain question even if I thought it was wrong and I just could not do it. So she kicked me out of the classroom. That was years and years ago but I’ve never forgot it because it epitomises just how much of a grip being timid had on me.
Its a horrible word, I don’t like it and how it defines a lot of me. I’m constantly scared of upsetting people, people getting angry with me or whatever.
It is frustrating because I’m too scared to demand answers from the people looking after my mum or to complain about her care. I do ask but it just doesn’t feel enough, I come away with more questions and more frustrated that I didn’t press them to tell me more. I’m angry with myself for being a grown adult and still being scared of being “told off”. And if I can’t stand up for myself, for my mum (the most important person to me) then how could I have expected myself to do that in a job that entails that from me everyday (the goal to study medicine). I just have no resolve. My confidence falls flat in the middle- like a cake which is taken too soon out of the oven that just sinks in the middle. Its not real and is shattered as soon as it is challenged so to speak.
My schools put me through assertiveness ‘classes’ etc but they just didn’t work; when I’m being assertive I feel like I’m being aggressive, the rest of the time I am passive. (The three terms I recall from the classes: passive, assertive and aggressive) My counsellor and I have talked about it at length but haven’t found any ways to address it. I’m not finding counselling helpful at the moment, I mean she’s lovely and its good to talk but even she concedes that this is not counselling but ‘merely’ support. I’ve made virtually no progress in 2 years of seeing her. I had counselling from 16-18 which worked well. Part of the problem is my mindset very much relies on external factors to myself for example, my mum. I find it hard that I can’t change certain things. The other part of the problem is that I can’t change my thoughts however hard I try, everyday I am plagued by the same bad thoughts from the minute I wake up until I fall asleep. I can’t feel good about anything I do, it is never good enough. My counsellor doesn’t think CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would be effective either because as mentioned a lot of the factors that contribute to my mindset are external.
I hate that I cave in, even when someone has upset me and hasn’t shown me the consideration I have shown them. I forgive too easily. I resolve to limit these individuals’ presence in my life but I cave in and allow myself to feel negative. This is a quote I read on a friend’s Facebook page that gave me food for thought: “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” I feel like the world is starting to make me hard in that I lack patience with myself.
I’m worried about this week because so much is happening. Sometimes there is too little time to think, other times there is too much time to think. I don’t know which is worse.
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