I think too much.

I went to the review meeting about my mum’s rehab placement and the decision was to extend the funding up to 3 months to as to allow enough time to address all aspects of her well-being. My mum has recently managed to come off all insulin and is now tablet controlled, this is amazing as she was deemed to have ‘brittle diabetes’ as it has been woefully uncontrolled for a few years. She is also going to be reviewed by the psychiatrist with a view to change one of her medicines to one she previously took but had to stop it due to elevated Prolactin. I’m really concerned about this, given all of mum’s recent health issues I don’t think it is a good idea to be messing with drugs that have been known to cause issues in the past however good their intended effect is. Her current medication isn’t as good as the one they propose to put her on however its the one she’s been most stable on compared to the other alternatives. I’m concerned that as her recent blood tests have shown a few issues with her renal function and high potassium levels which we’re hoping is due to dehydration from the hot weather we’ve been having recently.

My mum is doing relatively well in the nursing home. I look at myself and feel ashamed that I couldn’t achieve these things for her. I couldn’t bring her diabetes under control, I couldn’t make her get dressed etc everyday, I couldn’t make her mobilise, make her eat properly and regularly. These are such simple things and I couldn’t do them. I didn’t have the ability to encourage her as I’m passive and not assertive. It is shameful that her diabetes has been brought under control so easily and I couldn’t manage it. I’m meant to be her carer but I was clearly doing a really poor job of it.

I’m missing my mum a lot, especially since the decision was made to extend the funding. I try to spend as much time out of the flat as I don’t like staying at home as she isn’t there. Although the plan is to discharge her home with a specialist care agency making visits at home, I’m mindful that this might not happen. As much as I really really do want my mum to come home, I have to accept what is best for her and its quite possible that remaining there might be the best thing for her. Its about her and not me.

I recently stopped having counselling. I think it came to a natural end; not because things have been resolved but because there really wasn’t anywhere to go, I’d basically go every week and have a chat with my counsellor about things as its long been accepted that actual counselling methods don’t seem to be that beneficial to me. The things that trouble me persist and they persist because they are either external to me or are too deep for anyone to have answers to. I’m very fixed on the concept of karma and cannot shake it off, it’s almost become like an OCD thing. I do certain things which aren’t even related to the concept of karma but feel if I do/don’t do something then it could lead to bad things happening. I find these thoughts/feelings quite intrusive. I’ve always had OCD-type tendencies; when I was little, in shops I would have the urge to straighten all the packets of chewing gum or paracetamol or whatever. Sometimes I am halfway from home and I will go back to check I’ve locked the doors which often makes me late. I feel I have to do things a certain number of times and I won’t ever do things 3 times or buy 3 things for example. I know rationally that this is silly but I can’t *not* do these things. These tendencies get worse during times of stress like when my mum was very ill in hospital.

I am, or at least- was religious. My family are Hindu and Sikh and I have been brought up to observe both due to my parents’ slightly differing religious views. Everything felt more ‘right’ when I was younger and I went to the temple regularly and prayed everyday. But then when you’re 5/6 life is very different, you’re (quite rightly) protected. In my 20s I’m in the big bad world and it makes me so cynical. So many bad things happened, not just to me but looking at the wider picture, in the world. I find it all so troubling, if God exists why doesn’t he listen? Why do bad things happen? Yesterday, I could have done things a million times different and still not so good things would have happened. I really do want to believe properly again. When I pray I can’t concentrate, I can’t block external thoughts out and focus. It doesn’t feel like I can pray properly because my mind is always so ‘active’. I’m not saying I am atheist, but perhaps I can no longer say I’m truly theist, perhaps I’m ‘mildly’ agnostic, if that’s the correct term.

I thought I was starting to put my life back together again. But I can’t seem to shake this overwhelming sense of loss. I feel I have lost the majority of this year and I don’t even feel as if I’m in 2013, I still think its 2012. My world appears to have stopped since my mum became so ill. It is August and it is now the final months of the year. 2013 could be the year that never was. I had made plans to move forward but I have fears and doubts, I don’t have the belief that my plans will come to fruition. I’m trying to pre-empt my disappointment. There is of course a good reason to take a plunge, to take a walk into the unknown. However I think my fear is much too great to overcome this.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.


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