This is something that has been playing on my mind recently.
It is quite a crude, simplistic way to put it. Being happy can mean a lot of different things from being content to being deliriously happy as if on a high. There aren’t any happy endings in real life, otherwise we would not know what being happy is; it would just be normality.
Is it self sabotage to say that if certain things were to happen then you would be happy, satisfied? What I mean is, if you decide that something relatively small would make you happy then that is easy but it is all relative. We all say we would love to win the lottery for example, but we generally know that is unlikely to ever happen so it would be foolish to say we need that to be happy. I can only assume that someone living in poverty for example would be happy to have food to eat and a roof over their head. So is it asking too much to want certain things? I’m not asking to win the lottery or whatever. I crave normality but there is a reminder every single day that I don’t have this. Life never seems to go smoothly, everyday I find myself bargaining with someone I can’t see to make the day go smoothly and blame myself if it doesn’t even if is the most mundane of things. If I said to myself that what I have now is all I need to be happy would that mean I would be happy? Probably not. I’m trying to accept “less” or shall we say settle for less than what I wanted but it just becomes harder and harder. I accepted that my mum was mentally ill, I then accepted that she was physically ill and now do I give up on that and let someone else take over even though I want her home more than anything? It is selfish because I want her home so things can go back to normal.
I’m not going to put down everything that I think would make me happy because that is I think a very private thing. Given all the recent disappointments I’ve experienced I’ve found that perhaps it’s better to act as if I don’t care, therefore if something doesn’t work out then people don’t need to know that I am disappointed, heartbroken even. I’m sick of sugarcoating things for others, it is exhausting.
I shared on one of my recent blog posts that I have a place at university. I have no expectations that it will work out sadly. I don’t know why I am trying. If I try to act excited, it feels and comes across artificial. I’m scared to try it because I’m scared of literally failing. And it is even more scary knowing that everyone knows and it feels like people are watching. I tell people that I have a place at university and I deliver this piece of news with a grimace, cringing at my audacity for even trying. And silently kicking myself for telling anyone.
I’m finding life quite scary right now because I honestly don’t think in 10 years time that I will be in a happier place in life. It cut deep recently when a friend told me to get a grip, stop self pitying and get on with my life, I don’t know how to process it any further than that at the moment.
My view on things is that all feelings are valid however wrong, incorrect someone thinks they are. It is ok for me to feel crap about what is going on because quite frankly things are crap right now. There is the phrase or a variation of “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, as you never truly know someone until you have walked in their shoes.” I can try to expect less and less from life and therefore “stop pitying myself” but that doesn’t change the fact that looking at it objectively things aren’t great and that you would not want my life to be quite honest.