Is happiness possible?

This is something that has been playing on my mind recently.

It is quite a crude, simplistic way to put it. Being happy can mean a lot of different things from being content to being deliriously happy as if on a high. There aren’t any happy endings in real life, otherwise we would not know what being happy is; it would just be normality.

Is it self sabotage to say that if certain things were to happen then you would be happy, satisfied? What I mean is, if you decide that something relatively small would make you happy then that is easy but it is all relative. We all say we would love to win the lottery for example, but we generally know that is unlikely to ever happen so it would be foolish to say we need that to be happy. I can only assume that someone living in poverty for example would be happy to have food to eat and a roof over their head. So is it asking too much to want certain things? I’m not asking to win the lottery or whatever. I crave normality but there is a reminder every single day that I don’t have this. Life never seems to go smoothly, everyday I find myself bargaining with someone I can’t see to make the day go smoothly and blame myself if it doesn’t even if is the most mundane of things. If I said to myself that what I have now is all I need to be happy would that mean I would be happy? Probably not. I’m trying to accept “less” or shall we say settle for less than what I wanted but it just becomes harder and harder. I accepted that my mum was mentally ill, I then accepted that she was physically ill and now do I give up on that and let someone else take over even though I want her home more than anything? It is selfish because I want her home so things can go back to normal.

I’m not going to put down everything that I think would make me happy because that is I think a very private thing. Given all the recent disappointments I’ve experienced I’ve found that perhaps it’s better to act as if I don’t care, therefore if something doesn’t work out then people don’t need to know that I am disappointed, heartbroken even. I’m sick of sugarcoating things for others, it is exhausting.

I shared on one of my recent blog posts that I have a place at university. I have no expectations that it will work out sadly. I don’t know why I am trying. If I try to act excited, it feels and comes across artificial. I’m scared to try it because I’m scared of literally failing. And it is even more scary knowing that everyone knows and it feels like people are watching. I tell people that I have a place at university and I deliver this piece of news with a grimace, cringing at my audacity for even trying. And silently kicking myself for telling anyone.

I’m finding life quite scary right now because I honestly don’t think in 10 years time that I will be in a happier place in life. It cut deep recently when a friend told me to get a grip, stop self pitying and get on with my life, I don’t know how to process it any further than that at the moment.

My view on things is that all feelings are valid however wrong, incorrect someone thinks they are. It is ok for me to feel crap about what is going on because quite frankly things are crap right now. There is the phrase or a variation of “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, as you never truly know someone until you have walked in their shoes.” I can try to expect less and less from life and therefore “stop pitying myself” but that doesn’t change the fact that looking at it objectively things aren’t great and that you would not want my life to be quite honest.

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December update

I think the last time I blogged I was feeling a bit confused about various things. Also it feels really weird to be typing a blog on a computer so this blog post will probably be laden with typos and grammatical errors!

I suppose health would be a good place to start. I have had another admission for asthma since I last posted but that doesn’t really count as I had laryngitis and a cold so couldn’t argue about going in! I had allergy clinic again and that was interesting albeit disheartening to find out I’ve got another set of allergies to add to my list, including a serious allergy to Shellfish which seems silly for me to be too concerned about as I’m vegetarian but can’t help feeling extra cautious now. I am still deciding on whether to go ahead with Ciclosporin, although my current view is a no to it.

I have, however decided to go ahead with the U.V Light Therapy for my eczema, which I am hoping to start next month. It has taken me a long time to finally decide it is what I want and I have sort of felt a pressure to accept either this treatment or Ciclosporin. I have gone with the former purely because it seems the less scary of the two options I’ve been offered.

As for the situation with my mum, things are pretty much the same. She has spent the last 3 weeks in hospital with Pneumonia and Sepsis which has inevitably put on hold any plans with moving forward. I really hope she will be allowed to come home for Christmas then we can look at getting her home properly in the New Year. I do miss her terribly.

I am struggling with Christmas this year. I do not feel excited or happy about it. It represents a time when this time last year our lives were turned upside down. I haven’t bought any Christmas presents or written my cards because I just feel really down about it. It is a bit difficult when everyone else is looking forward to it and you’re expected to act the same. However Christmas now represents a time of loneliness, uncertainty and fear. I am obviously not Christian, but it used to hold a far happier meaning. I hope that one day it will again.

Since I last posted; a friend of mine, Dawn passed away. Dawn was a lovely person who suffered from severe asthma, I find it upsetting that she never managed to get control over it and that it took her. I cannot get across enough what a sweet caring person she was, I will always remember her. It was such a shock as I never really think about dying and asthma even though I am well aware that it happens, it’s always been about getting through it so as to getting better.

I am not sure if I will be continuing to blog regularly, I will continue to blog but it may well become that I just don’t post as often anymore. It is hard seeing some of the things I have written on here in the past and it is weird seeing it again. Of course this is why I blog, to keep as journal and return to it at another time to see how I feel about it then. But lately there doesn’t feel there is a great deal of progress or change. Stagnant is the word. I honestly thought I would feel better than I did 2 years ago. I did find blogging therapeutic (for want of a better word) but now it can sometimes feel like a chore and I associate feelings of fatigue with blogging. This is why I think for the next couple of months I may not blog unless I really feel the urge to. However, saying that I have a draft of a post concerning a subject that is something I am quite passionate about and that is transition- relating to continuing care of chronic illness from paediatric medicine to adult medicine, I remember discussing this at length with my good friend Kerri last month and today it was mentioned at clinic which reminded me of my blog about it. So I guess this is something to work on even if I’m not updating as such for a little while!