I was in two minds as to whether I will post this or put my blog on private for the time being as I did not expect to be away for 6 months.
I often encounter the feeling that my mind is too full and I need to empty it out to find out what I want to concentrate on. So where do I start…
Things haven’t changed a great deal since I last blogged. I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about the future. In recent times I’ve found myself putting a positive spin on things, like for example: yes my mum is in a nursing home but she’s coming home soon. Well I don’t know that anymore. I want someone to tell me everything will be OK, that there is a way out, a light at the end of it all.
I’m finally starting UVB light therapy for my eczema on 16th June for approximately 3 months. Mixed feelings about this. I’m really struggling with the sense of crippling embarrassment over my health i.e. asthma, eczema, allergies the whole lot right now. I just want the ground to swallow me up. I don’t know where these feelings have come from but I feel an overwhelming sense to deny how I feel physically and by extension mentally. I’m feeling a lot of fatigue when I have contact with medical professionals (GPs, consultants, nurses etc) about these conditions. And this is being made worse by the fact there’s another specialist to add to the mix to my recently diagnosed eye condition – Keratoconus, I am actually gutted I have this.
Mentally I don’t think I am doing so well at the moment. I was doing alright relatively speaking but despite being invited to various activities with friends I have declined to go or if I have; felt a great deal of stress about it. All I want to do at the moment is stay in bed but the world doesn’t stop when you’re in bed so I have to push myself through the day. I love my friends very much but it’s just bad timing right now for me mentally to socialise. When I refer to mentally not being so well what I mean specifically although ironically is a feeling of vague apathy and hopelessness. Just don’t have faith that I can complete simple tasks like paying a bill without messing it up. I think I have lost a lot of confidence over the past few years and I didn’t exactly have a great abundance of confidence before then anyway. I think university will be make or break, and I am terrified that it might break me.